Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Sunday 23rd April 2023

I've had a few offers of places to stay now. I guess over the years I've shown people around me a side that I didn't realise I had. My aunt even gave me a "You got this girl!" When I told her I wished to stick it out in this city and make the most of it. I of course promised to visit once things settled down for me. It's now so clear for me to see that the year I spent as a Mormon was simply a phase that led to who I am now. People love that girl. They support her, tell her how well she's doing and bond with her so much better than who I was before. It makes me wonder though. Could those around me always tell that something was wrong with me? Is that why I always felt a bubble between myself and others? It would be easy to presume that bubble was merely my insecurities but to me, it always felt like people just couldn't connect with me properly before. Now I even question myself about that bubble being gone and why people connect with me so much better than they once did. Is it because I go through the hardships of womanhood as well now? Is it because Jane is more friendly than the man I was before? Or perhaps I just fill that space in people's lives now. A queer friend or relative that's always emotionally available to talk with, to cry with or just to see go through her own struggles that are purely unique to her. Anyway I don't plan on moving very far from the friend I live with. Finding a best friend that cares so much is a rare thing. I don't want to abandon her again like I did once before. It's good to have that kind of friendship where you can confide in someone. Genuinely enjoy spending time with them and have so much in common with. Most of all though when times get tough most friends go quiet and don't want anything to do with you during it. A best friend isn't just there for you but also feels your pain and can often sense something is the matter just from a look in their eyes. The good times are much more than the bad times though. The fun you have and joy you share. Making your bestfriend's day by doing the simplest of things.
Anyway, today I'm feeling sapped. Which means it's those few days of the month where my hormones attempt to regulate themselves and cause my body to mimic that of a cisgender girl. Yes, trans girls get their period too. Our cramps tend to be far more painful though. I've known trans girls that have had to go to the ER from the level of pain they've been in. The depression that hits during it is the worst part though. It's like all our dysphorias and depressive thoughts hit all at once. Personally, it doesn't bother me as much. How tired it always makes me does bother me though. I'm someone who doesn't like to act lazy. I like to do things and to help out wherever possible. In saying that if I'm overly fatigued I know I'll likely hurt myself with how clumsy I can be. Which is right now. I want nothing more than to help clean and I'm falling asleep and feel sick in the stomach all at once. I have some health conditions which I don't wish to discuss here but I will say that it's likely they are contributing as well.

-Jane