Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Friday 19th of May 2023

It's hard not to hate men when all you see is men making women feel small around you. I don't want to be one of those lesbians that sees men as the enemy. In fact, some men are complete gentlemen. They realise women are vulnerable and walked all over so they hold the door for us or they say something kind to uplift our day. I know the psychology behind it from my degree but I still hate to see men taking what little power women have and lording it over them. As someone who was molested as a child, I can say how small I felt to be overpowered. I pathetic I felt. Now it's one of the only things in the world that makes me mad.
I've gone to protests to give my voice to women's rights but more to say NO to men believing they can get away with belittling women. These men are almost entirely egocentric. Needing to feed their egos by stripping the power from those they feel weak. Raping them and laughing about it with their "mates". It's disgusting and so infuriating. In saying that I don't think of all men like this or even to this degree of depravity. I do still see it on a daily basis though.
In fact, it's a big reason as to why I transitioned in the first place.
I couldn't stand the thought of women seeing me and thinking of me as one of these power-hungry egocentric males that only think with their dicks.
I followed my heart, that lead to me deciding that I never wish to be looked at that way again. I want people to see me as the kind of person who is there to help anyone. To feel safe and comfortable in my company. To feel like they can open up without feeling like their power is going to be stripped.
Not just a lesbian with a friendly attitude but a decent person down to their very core. That's how I want the world to see me.
So no I don't hate all men, I hate those that do use and often abuse that power. In saying that I've met women who are egocentric as well. Even some non-binary people who hold themselves above others and belittle their "friends". The only difference is, men have that power from a lifetime of testosterone going throughout their bodies. Some realise it and attempt to have a casual and intelligent personality that helps people to feel comfortable in their presence.
Okay, enough of my ranting.
My now ex-partner picked up the last of her stuff today. She seemed unhappy to have to come back here. I tried to tell her we can still be friends but I don't think she's in that headspace just yet.
I'm beginning to organise assistance with the court stuff and to move on to newer and happier things. I'm helping my girlfriend to embrace her pansexuality. She's still dealing with her ex which has been hella stressful on her. Both of us just want to move on from the people that held back our happiness so we can concentrate on a bright future together.
-Jane