Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Friday 14th April 2023

I'm now comfortable with she/they. It just feels like who I am now. I've applied for entry-level admin jobs and some data entry ones. I worked in data entry for nearly three years. It was mind-numbingly boring but extremely easy and simple work. I do love working in an office though. I usually make friends with all the ladies and tend to make coffee buddies that I hang out in the employee lounge with. My life is surrounded by coffee. I'm trying to limit my daily intake (due to a heart condition) but it also helps my mental health. I may be aromantic in my relationship but to me coffee is like having a loved one wrap their arms around me in a warm hug. Even aromantics can agree with how good that sounds (insert laughing emoji here). I do get withdrawals from coffee when I don't have at least two a day. Yes I have what's called long QT interval. It's where my heart beat is irregular and not with the healthy range. It often causes me to feel heart palpitations and one day will cause me a seizure or blackout. I was told I had an irregular heart beat as a kid and never thought any differently about it. I went to a doctor about my common heart pains and they sent me to a heart specialist who ran a heap of tests. When I received the results after I was diagnosed with Long QT interval.
Then a couple years after that I was diagnosed as neurodivergent. What the specialist said only made too much sense. Why I always had trouble keeping up with the other students and why the way I looked at things was always so different than others. My mind isn't slow thinking like I had previously always thought, it just happens to see things in a different way than non-neurodivergent people do.
Anyway, that's just some background information on those two subjects. I feel bad that I don't have any romantic or intimate feelings for my partner. I just feel numb towards her after the fight she caused with my family member. I mean they always made out they were an ally of trans people but what they said in the end, broke a part of me inside. Something that will take a very long time to heal. It's not a mental illness like depression or anxiety. It's just a wound that feels like I've been stabbed in the heart.
In my last entry I told you I was tired. What I'm exhausted of; is reliving the past over and over again in my head and just so tired of the uncertainty of things now. It's like knowing where I am and yet feeling utterly lost. I'm going to court because I lost my temper and broke a coffee cup. I haven't even had a temper since starting hormones. Hormones have made me love life and love who I am. I just don't know how much I feel that is true now. I'm still as uplifting and empowering to everyone around me as I've always been but I'm not feeling that way towards myself any more.
I suppose I've always had a massive fear of being betrayed by those I trust and love the most. Now that it's happened I'm feeling things I haven't felt in years. My emotions are everywhere and I just want to try and catch my breath from my head constantly racing with thoughts.
-Jane