Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Sunday 13th of August 2023

I'm feeling a strong hit of depression. I feel like I'm both hopeless and just in the way. Yesterday my blood sugar went far higher than I'd experienced in a long time and I felt so knocked around that I needed to rest and recover some energy. I'm still feeling the throbbing in my head from it. I don't think that's where the depression came from, it's more likely from the shrink I saw last week. I insisted that I'm over my past but he dredged it up nonetheless along with feelings associated with it.
Since then I've felt more emotional and now oddly depressed. Maybe it's just a matter of circumstances lately. I know that some people have misgendered me lately and even used the wrong pronouns. I'm so far into my transition and it bothers me now as much as it did when I first started transitioning. I thought I'd built a tolerance to it eventually but I haven't. Dysphoria hits through all stages of transitioning afterall.
I have decided to start watching anime again. On top of writing, it's something I've always enjoyed. Speaking of, I have reflected on how I've always had something I use as a crutch to escape reality. Whether that's gaming, writing or watching anime. I even used to binge-read books when I was younger. I guess I've always needed a way to escape my own troubles and thoughts. Even when I first started transition I threw myself into the community to not just discover things about being trans but to distract myself from what was going on around me. Though I do largely just think that's part of being introverted. Enjoying your own company by doing the things that you enjoy. For me, that's feeding my over-active imagination. Watching animes about unreal things or writing stories to communicate between my imagination and the real world. Maybe that's just how I express things as an introvert. I don't exactly express my feelings to other people. I mean here I am writing this diary for a bunch of strangers and yet I'd never tell a shrink anything like what I'm comfortable writing here.
I think I will allow myself to express myself through my imagination from now on. At least as an introvert, I can express myself to others that way. I'm not talking about making my personality all about my likes but at least feeling more comfortable with that being a part of who I am.