Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Monday 12th of August 2024

I've been so busy that I find it difficult to think of writing these journal entries these days.

I've started to do a work placement at a local primary school for my mental health course. It has me thinking a lot on my being trans and its impact on others. Kids don't understand trans things generally and have difficulties with my pronouns. That doesn't bother me at all. I hear "You look like a lady and a man or a boy and a girl". It's common for kids and hopefully, me working in the youth field, I can spread some awareness. I believe tomorrow onwards during placement I'll wear a badge that states my pronouns. Even if it just sparks a conversation then I've spread awareness.

I've been thinking about not only what's happening today but also what my plans are for the future. Youth work is calling me and while I'd enjoy jumping into that field I also want to be responsible, so I'm considering picking up some cleaning work again as it's always available and it keeps me in shape. Having my finances sorted would be a weight off my shoulders. I like many trans folks come from a start that didn't prepare me for the world. I didn't come from money or even decency. So I have to work twice as hard for everything I get. It's why I appreciate it when opportunities are afforded to me. I could only wish I had supportive parents who raised me with good morals and helped me start life as an adult. Instead, I came from court battles for children to pay welfare benefits or even child support. Not that I ever felt that support. All I received was emotional manipulation into hating the people that truly cared about me and PTSD.

What does having my finances sorted mean to me? Well, it means no more outstanding debt. Being able to save and god damn it if I don't want to get engaged and start planning a life with my partner.

I mean I wish I could just start working as a mental health support worker today but coming from my background that seems like an impossibility. I live in the city which means I have opportunities that others don't but it also means a thousand and one other people vie for the same position that I do.

Maybe I have low self-esteem and need to believe in myself more. Which I do find so extremely difficult as I've always been given a bad hand in life. Though now I feel that luck turning. I'm networking, making new connections and making friends. For the first time, I feel hope for the future.

It might sound like I have serious depression talking like that. I don't and I can assure you that. I'm just a realist. I see things as they are and don't gamble on unrealistic notions.

That's only been the case since I tried to kill myself last year. Before that, I always saw myself as an optimistic person, always looking on the bright side of life. After I attempted suicide I started to see things that were right in front of me and I started to take fewer chances on endeavours that I knew were likely to fail.

Being trans is possibly the realist thing in my life. So that won't ever go away. Being a diabetic is also real, as much as I forget I am at times. I also want to say that the love and devotion I have for Ashton are real as well. It doesn't feel like I have to fake enjoying being with her, enjoying her personality and her quirks. I genuinely feel a deep connection that I didn't feel when I dated her as a teen. Now I feel... well, like she makes the most sense out of everything in my life. Her intelligence, the things she loves, god even her scent I love. That last one I always thought to be a silly lie people told themselves but it most certainly is not in my case.

So yes, this T-girl is a realist who came from almost less than nothing and is still attempting to make something of herself and only now is seeing that it's possible.

-Jane