Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Saturday 30th of December 2023

I've accidentally been off my head pills for a little under a week and even I have to say I wouldn't stand being around me when I am.
I have this constant shifting sand noise that's just causing so much irritation. My OCD is off its rocker and making every little thing annoy me. Not to mention just being a moody bitch.

It's gotten to the point where I would have just numbed myself to everything by causing hypos. Not that I have, not consciously anyway.
I was wondering why I was feeling so horrible and then noticed that I was missing my head pill from my blister pack, only to remember me packing one and saying to myself "there's only two in there" meaning I had my last head pill on Monday. I guess I was distracted by a small amount of food poisoning that I had. In saying that, there was a reason I used to just let the chemist handle my med packs for me. My forgetful scatterbrain does things like this. Yes a head pill is a tiny insignificant thing to a lot of people but when your natural head is as bad as mine is then you need to be medicated. Without my head pill; severe depression with suicidal thoughts and self-harm, my anxiety is about normal and of course, that true head monster that makes me somewhere between physically and mentally ill; OCD.

I spoke to another T-girl recently about mental illness and being transgender and she admitted she's medicated for severe depression as well. I mean I get that depression and Dysphoria are somewhat similar. I feel depressed when I'm dysphoric at least and she told me just does as well.
Most people I know before they transitioned have seperate mental health issues that caused severe depression so I really can't say if its a precedent or not.
I mean my mental issues come from my childhood or are inherited mental illnesses that had been established way before coming out let alone starting hormones.

At any rate, I realllllly prefer who I am when I'm medicated. I'm a go-getter and I get things done. I feel like I can be a role model for people and I'm just genuinely a positive person. I don't feel suicidal or have thoughts of self-harm.

I get that some people are against being medicated for mental illness and I get that they "can" have good reasons to be against medication. Being on the wrong medication or having a negative reaction to it can turn anyone off meds.
The thing is though that I know my meds work for me when I take them so I know I have that bias.
I guess I'm just mentioning it because in my counselling diploma, there were people who strongly advocated against medication for mental illness. Now that I'm studying a DSM-5-based mental health course I'm updating my knowledge base while still trying to keep an open mind on the mental health experiences of others.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a safe new years and a happy new year.

-Jane