Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Friday 20th of September 2024

Sitting in McDonald's with a burnt tongue and the latter end of a cold. A cappuccino in front of me that's too hot to drink, and so I find myself thinking of writing a diary entry.

There is both a lot on my mind, as well as not a lot at all. I'm not worried about what's happening immediately, just the future ahead. But hey isn't that what having anxiety is all about?

It's the last day of the school term and the school holidays are just hours away. Holidays were never a big thing when I was a child. Maybe my mother would take me to see relatives but that was about it for the excitement of  holidays back then. Holidays as a mother of my own boys is a whole different story. Nearly every day we take them out to do something fun. Being so introverted that's a little difficult for me, not to mention we tend to have my girlfriends family come and stay for 95% of the holidays. Usually what happens is my social metre goes into overdrive and I start to get more emotional and stressed. This holidays my girlfriend has given me an out to take days off as I need from the near daily outings. Which is great, while I am much more social and friendly now I still get overwhelmed by having a lot of people around. I hope one day that I'll be able to move on from that feeling of being overwhelmed by large crowds but I still do struggle. Generally, 5 is my limit and then I feel overwhelmed. I mean that's an improvement thanks to my doing work placement at the school.

Ashton, my girlfriend has been noticing the things I've learnt to keep to myself and that cause me the most stress in life. She's always been good at noticing things. Even as teens she remember all the little things.
She's helping me with my debts and trying to help me remember dates of automatic payments. These are what cause my account to become so negative that I start being feed ridiculous amounts. She notices the things that peek my anxiety and helps me work through them. She really is a fantastic partner and support overall.

I have the action-hero mentality when it comes to being a partner. Usually only so much during the honeymoon phase of the relationship but with Ashton, I appreciate her so much that it's constant and I believe that's a great thing.
So by action-hero mentality, I mean a supportive girlfriend. If she needs something I'm straight on it with no delays. Her needs come first and foremost and I try to make things as comfortable and easy as possible for her. Which she does the same for me.
This usually becomes much less of a priority for me after the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Yes, I know the psychology of relationships. It was important to learn during my counselling diploma. So I think about the milestones and how healthy a relationship is. I don't know what blinded me to the signs of toxicity in previous relationships. Maybe I needed that scare to reset my mind last year. It numbed me and so the things I enjoyed before, I stopped caring about. Now I enjoy things with so much care and love in my heart and have all new interests. Spefically, being a supportive and fun mum to my boys.

My coffee has cooled so I'm going to rap up now. I just want to say that just because it took me nearly killing myself to come to terms with things that needed to change, I don't believe anyone should ever feel like that's an option. Suicide is a serious thing and if anyone ever feels like that is an option then they should seek help from a proffesional. I had to be restrained and kept overnight in hospital under careful observation. After that, I had to see a mandatory mentality health service for 6 weeks as well as suicide watch. Not to mention the tablets they gave me to have to rebalance the mismatched chemicals in my brain. Don't do it, seek help, talk to someone you trust and remember that suicide is never a  proper thought out option.

-Jane