Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Sunday 16th April 2023

I used to be a latter-day saint. Every Sunday I'd go to church and do my priestly duties by handing out sacraments and chatting up girls as the Mormons believed to get into heaven you needed to be married. I somewhat think about this Every Sunday since leaving the church. I guess you could say I'm an inactive Mormon. I won't talk against the church but I just don't believe in what they preach any more. I reached the second level of priesthood and was classed as an Elder otherwise known as the Melchizedek priesthood. I joined the LDS church as I felt like I had a hole that needed to be filled. I only worked out years later, that it was because I'm trans. That's what I was missing, self-love. Now though, things feel different. I'm finding myself all over again. I now go by she/they and I'm feeling things that I haven't in a long time. I've been dreaming about my past before my transition. The "could have beens" and the regrets I've made. I know we all go through this but with the added hormones in my system, it's so much more intense for trans girls. Plus Irlen mimics both ADHD and autism so having racing thoughts and being over-stimulated has been something I've always had to deal with.
I've been feeling so attractive lately as well. It's not a feeling I'm used to. I think it's from accepting myself as non-binary. Possibly passing yet another level of self-love. I'm still finding it hard to eat though. Now when I do I'm beginning to feel sick. I really don't know what it's about. I'm still trying to decide my feelings towards everyone. I'm still with my current partner. She is trying her best to make us work. Suggesting things and improving on her inappropriate behaviour. I feel better about her being around kids now but it doesn't make me love her again. What do I want? Fresh air, space to breathe and just maybe something else. I don't want to say it here. Some thoughts are just too private for even this diary. After all, there are four people I know reading every single entry.
I'm talking to a good friend who is slightly inspiring me lately. They said yes I may have been a terrible caterpillar before I transitioned. Yes I treated people terribly. But now I'm a kind and nurturing butterfly. Who I am now is different than who I was. My mistakes in the past can't be undone but I can move forward with a new attitude and show love and respect now to those I wronged.
There was one girl I was with that miscarried and afterwards I began to stop thinking about how she felt about things. I became selfish and really should have considered her feelings about it and in general. That was the closest I ever came to being a parent. If I'd respected her feelings and treated her how I would now, well then it would have worked between us. Instead, I stomped on her heart and rejected her. Like the jerk I was. I've thought about her every single day since. Since she left. Since I forced her to leave. She's lived a happy life though and I'm proud of how far she's come. There were other girls before my transition though. Others that I hurt and in turn hurt me. These were the toxic girls I dated. The psycho-religious one, the high school sweetheart, the girls that secretly messaged me and crushed on me at school, the girls I dated after I left school. Secret flings and summer fun. Each more painful than the next. Then there was the person I dated as I started my transition. We were so close but eventually, hormones got the better of me and I fell out of love. After all the pain, tears and regrets I'd go back to just one though. Anyway, I'm still unsure as to what I want with my current partner. My instincts scream at me to let her go. She hit me more than once and she's treated me terribly. Used me and made me feel horrible. I'm letting her try to do the right thing for now. I've told her I'd be happy to stay friends but I'm not sure I can love her again. I'm really hurt after what happened with my family member.

-Jane