Fart story oneshots!

If You Can't Handle the Heat

Summary:

Bayonetta takes down some angels with her farts.

Notes:

I know Affinities don't make the sounds they do in the fic. I didn't wanna fix it
Thank you to EarthlyBard for grammatical help

[Hhgggrrrrroooooiiiighkhkhkhh... ]

As Bayonetta entered the cathedral, her stomach emitted a desperate-sounding groan. The emptiness of the vast building made it echo and ring against the walls of pillars and glass. She gave the Scarborough Fair from her left hand to her right as she slowly rubbed her abdomen. She felt little bubbles push each other around in her lower stomach.

"Ugh, another one of those days, isn't it?" she said to herself. She put one of her pistols back into her left hand, bent her long left leg over, and swiveled her hip some.

[Phhhffffffffffffvvvvvvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmptptpptppttttthhhhhhhffffffffff... ]

She let a slow fart sneak out of her plump ass. It buzzed against her cheeks midway--that buzz rolled against the walls of the room, widening it into an almost booming sound. Bayonetta reached behind her and fanned her cheeks after her winds closed off, the smell just beginning to encircle her. Rotten eggs and stale vegetables reached her nose, and it wouldn't take long for them to spread to the other corners of the church, too. She cringed to herself at her gas.

Would that have blown her cover? Absolutely. Did she plan for it? Only one way to find out.

Bayonetta looked up from the marble floor to the distant sound of what seemed like roaring and snarling, like a colony of rodents choking on different nuts and insects. The spitting and croaking began to enclose: from the roof, the walls, and a blood-curdling screech just behind her.

"EEEEEHHHSHSHAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH!!! "

[ Ggoooorrrrrrrrrriiiiggpglgllgpp~ ]

Through the cacophony, Bayonetta could partially hear her bowels swell and grumble as they pushed more gas down. She looks down at her lean, upset stomach before perking back up. Chunks of stone were crumbling and falling from the ceiling as the angels bashed against the towering roof. Stained windows cracked, their nasty gold claws and huge staffs emerging from them. The calling of the angels from just behind her grew louder with the beating of their wings. The place was falling apart and the battle hadn't started yet.

"It seems like you naughty little things could learn a thing or two about manners." Bayonetta put her hands on her hips, watching the angels squirm to break through the church more and more. She began to feel gas squirm through the end of her torso and rest in her rectum. "Well, I guess I should speak for myself."

"GGGRRRRAAAAAUUUAAAAAAAAHGHHGHHGHHHH!!!! "

Bayonetta spun her Scarborough Fairs on her fingers before bending her knees for what was just coming next. Right when she sensed the Affinity about to bash its beak into her, she jumped and let it all go.

[PHHHBBBBBBOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRTTTRRROOOORRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRAAAAAAAAMMMMMTTTPTPPTPTPPPPPP!!!]

Bayonetta launched herself into the air as the cathedral ceiling collapsed around her. Significantly aged stones and metals sprayed onto the church floor and seats. Glass shards flew across the room like fireworks--pieces so thin and fast they acted like sparks. The flock of Affinities swarmed the witch while she was already ahead of them, farting her way into the eye of the gnarling storm of silver feathers and blood-red beaks.

The Affinities entering the cathedral door were stunned by Bayonetta's gas as she was propelled yards ahead of them. While their helmets protected them from the horrible stench, the gas cloaked them in an impenetrable layer of steam. Blinded, the Affinities began to crash land, shoving and piercing each other with their weapons and armor.