Poems of Pain and Solitude

Chapter 9: trip, fall, fly, crash

Nobody told me it would hurt so much.

Nobody told me that life would spell out pain.

Nobody said "It's going to hurt".

Nobody warned "Don't go in it blindly".

In the end, we all learnt "Shut up".

All those sad stories with no happy endings,

That left me sobbing past midnight

Are bound to be finished with a rightful "the end".

For it is, the end,

Of a tragic story with no epilogue.

I still recall now the scent you used to leave behind.

All the legacies you left me,

Are only memories. And my heart yearns

For something it wishes could be more than that-

More than a memory.

You know that there is beauty in the sunsets;

Even when the sun is about to go down,

Beauty blooms over the end of light and start of dark.

But in this love, my grey goodbyes to my one true sun

Were nothing close to the oranges of dusk.

Your dark smiles still etch across your face

That fits in all my picture frames so disgustingly perfectly,

I wish I could erase the hearts I drew all over it,

Or run a line in the middle of them.

But even when I wish to, why can't I bring myself to do it?

The picture that sits on my desk everyday,

Patiently waiting to be ripped,

Where's my bravery to put it away?

Why do I still miss you? I want you back,

And the comfort you brought to me no one else could.

The picture of us kissing for the very first time,

At that damned party, why is it black and white?

I want to tear myself apart, because it's so easy

To run back into your arms and the place I called home

Until I remember it's crumbled down into ruins.

Now I fall asleep to our love anthem

Pretending it's still the beat my heart sings to,

When it isn't even beating at all anymore.

I wish I could go back and say a million sorrys

Because I miss you and the way you used to said I love you.

I love you might have been a lie,

But at least I still had something to believe,

Something to yearn for in my Monday mornings,

At least the comforting lie was better than

The painful truth you left behind: regret.

When I read I'm in love in my diary,

I can't help but stare emptily at those grey words,

Full of blue melancholia.

And the heartbreak I can't describe

Avalanches atop of my pride.

In the middle of the night,

I wonder if the screams I heard in my nightmares

Were real, and if they were my own.

My mind crumples up like paper

And fades like a rose.

In the war that rages on

The bloodshed hands that held on tight

Slowly started losing grip.

And now they even stopped reaching out.

In the dark they fingers no longer intertwine.

My inner monsters are consuming me

From inside, I drown from the tears I never shed

Until I'm choking from my own hold

On something that I know I'll never let go of.

Goodbye is the furthest possibility.

Even in the darkest night,

You very well know I'll continue begging

For you to stay.

And with sorry eyes,

You'll say nothing.

Your incendiary touch that left trails of fire,

Your incandescent glow that you left behind

Whenever you left a room.

I wish I could hold you in my arms,

So you could whisper and call me yours.

But one wrong step and you trip.

Once you trip, you fall.

Falling feels like flying,

So you think it's all right,

Until you crash and break into a million pieces.

Trip, fall, fly, crash.

I want to tell you I can still save us,

But I'm just skin and bone trying to save myself

From what I know could bring me to my knees.

If only, it weren't you.