Poems of Pain and Solitude

Chapter 14: the dream i ended

Time flies, truths lie;

Life slipping through the cracks of blue sky.

I speed through the town, just so time can slow down;

I blast music in the car as I try not to head for the bar.

I come to a crossroad and summon all remaining dignity

To not go back into the house that once held fragility and felicity.

A song comes on the radio,

It reminds me of our melodies,

The pacing of my heartbeats singing your name.

A hum so alive and slow,

My hand comes to my chest chanting symphonies,

Trying to mute all the voices bearing me blame.

I swallow back my pride when I see your shadow,

Curves so familiar they've been scarred to my bones.

A devious cold smile, my lips would always follow,

Long arms that would always make me feel less alone.

Grey eyes that would spill white lies,

Hushing all my fears with a spare year.

My eyes fix on the road ahead,

Like somehow if I'd stay silent instead

The wrinkled ache would grant me senseless forgiveness

Like somehow if I let tears fall

I would finally accept how love was never worth it all

And that maybe pain would slip with the nightfall.

But I hit the breaks,

And you're standing right there in the middle;

Making me lose my mind little by little;

Making me succumb the most ample aches.

The more I look at you the more I love you,

For all the things that made us one instead of two.

Our eyes align like planets and stars,

Your gaze flees to my scars.

A thousand words untold but still no smile unfolds.

Standing still like a gust could make me fracture,

I recall that black and white picture,

I want it all again, I want a million bursting colours.

Standing there frozen and blue,

My heart feeling so desperately delicate, so frail

What's true?

What is only a tale?

I remember how I love you was once my my religion,

Back when I still had something to believe in.

I am here but I am so far from alive,

Every colour in this silence feels dead,

My feelings are something to deprive

My smiles serve the people who need to be fed.

Hearing my heart thrum in my ears,

But it's stopped for years.

I don't even know if you're real,

Pushing away everything I let myself feel.

When I was young they said to enjoy my youth

As if my smiles would lose their faithful truth.

And I learnt the loss of innocence happens

When the monsters move from under your bed into your head.

Every one of our seraphic moments ripple in my mind,

Your lips part, my heart comes apart.

You take one step to me,

And I feel all my defences burn.

All the walls crumble, all the rules break.

I remember the elegy: beware if he loves you.

And you know I do.

Past ghosts haunting my nightmares

Staining the dreams I had.

Dreams.

My dreams.

The dreams you stole from me.

I fling the car door open and walk to you.

I hold my breath.

For a long time.

Holding m

y brea

th.

And finally, I say all that hasn't been said.

Words pouring from my mouth,

Heart stopping.

Eyes misting.

Breath hitching.

Light darkening.

Life dying.

...

..

.

I breathe.

My heart beats.

My sight clears.

I breathe.

My beckoning shadows hide.

Your silhouettes dies.

.

All the midnights spent being grey,

All the cracks in the wall,

All the flights spent falling,

All the lights that were fading,

All the tears spent for one smile.

Did I tell you I saw the cafe the other day?

I was strolling under a sky of pouring rain.

I huffed away all the pain.

I saw the empty seats,

And my heart fell to my feet.

I took a deep breath in,

And I walked right back in.