Poems of Pain and Solitude

Chapter 12: the stars are scars

I'm sitting in my room, staring at the lonely moon,

And I know most nights there are zero lights,

But here the constellations burn brighter than ever

Firing flames into a flickering shimmer.

And I know it's taken such a long time, but, really,

It felt like I could finally appreciate the scars you'd left me.

I can still remember us in the middle of the night,

Racing past the blinking city lights,

Ignoring all the beckoning shadows past us

And despite it all we were never in a rush.

I can still remember your laugh and the way it echoed,

And the way your touch could make my breath oh so shallow.

I can still remember you walking into that cafe

On that twisted fateful day,

The way I knew your dark eyes would haunt me

But it was everything I'd ever needed so deeply.

Every second of it, I held my breathe the entire time

But you stole the composure I thought was mine.

I can still remember, running out into the rain

Soaking it all down to my skin, wishing it would drown me.

But you ran out too, and you took away all the pain

One kiss, and I could not hide anything. You could see

Every little crack in my heart,

Every little crevice, you knew how to tear it all apart.

I can still remember, at the dawn of spring,

How everything felt new.

But novelty is so tough, so frightening,

And my cowardice showed with the past that left me blue.

You took me back in your arms

Into what I didn't know was the true harm.

I can still remember, the sharp sound of my fingers

When they knocked on your familiar door.

I feared you would never let me in, because I needed a savior

And I didn't know if I deserved one at all, so I stood on your floor.

Desolate, waiting.

But you opened it, and let me in.

I can still remember when my walls were crumbling down,

And my pain drove me out of town,

I knew I had no were to go because I felt so lost 

With every line I always pretended I hadn't crossed.

And I tried to remain strong but in my mind it all felt wrong

So I ran back to what felt like home, where I felt known.

I can still remember when everything tumbled over

And how I knew from the start everything would shatter.

But no matter what I knew, I'd fallen for you

But we'd both hurt each other, and a single word was enough to

Bring all the cold shivers, how I was filled with terror,

On that freezing night where everything was a tremor.

I can still remember all the words we'd left unsaid

And in that cursed room, how I let the floor fall through

You could've told the truth, but you said you loved me instead

How every dance was a lie; you took away every chance.

Making me want to kill myself, laying day after day

Sprawled on my bathroom floor, tissues piling in the worst way.

I can still remember how we held on the ledge

But you always pushed me to the edge

And the hurt that was blooming behind your mask

It took every bit of strength to not give up

And when I thought we were finally soaring

It was too late because I realized we were falling.

And when we fell hard

You weren't even so much as bruised

While I was picking up every little shard

That had fallen. I felt so used

And yet I couldn't even have the guts to be angry

Because after everything, I still loved you.

I can still remember how I fell into the darkness

You found my weakness and stabbed me at my deepest.

And to say that I would've kept every innocent promise,

I still fantasise about a time where I am something to be missed.

Every time I yell in a pillow, every corner there's a shadow

Every heartbeat is a punch, and I fall apart, my breath shallow.

I can still remember how I felt so worn

Trying so hard to fit in every impossible standard,

While reality was laughing me, my heart was being torn.

Every breath was so hard to draw, and I was so tired

Of everything that was stolen beneath my blind eyes

And the shadows I used to find truth in my lies.

But now I know that every little moment

Was part of the route that led me here

Out of all the wrong places into the right door.

Every little moment

Was a scar, or a whisper I couldn't hear

That told me I'd find the lights, if I searched a little more.