Poems of Pain and Solitude

believe me, i lied

Dear You,

When your shadow receives this letter,

Will its fragility slip away from your hold?

True blue,

This was the color of the nevers we painted forever

In a million hues of gold.

Clouded days,

All of them sway away.

I spend all of them locked in my cages

Suppressing screams of silent rage,

And you probably don't know where I am:

Well neither do I.

A red phone rusts on my nightstand

Dust collects on its handle.

Wires that I don't dare unravel or understand

And empty voices that echo.

Almost like my shadow, they're hollow

And I hear your murmurs in the distance.

The sky knows I haven't touched this phone

For I'm afraid of it,

It'll remind me all I do is sit here on my own

Because I have no one to talk to,

And I'm repulsed by every kind conversation

That feels like poison, or some sort of prison.

Floors of loneliness and worthless propriety,

The wooden parquet of my anxiety.

Nights of pacing,

Frights that I face,

But all I can see is your shape,

Written boldly on my ceiling.

I gave you the stars,

You gave me the night.

You told me it was to display them

But your skies were so somber,

I was blinded. Shades of amber

Flicker in the fireplace.

I stayed even when you were about to leave

I searched for you when you ran away.

I cursed the blades that were unsheathed.

Buried the phrases I was about to say,

Just to love you through your phases

But now all I see are empty faces in vacant places.

You didn't see it in my lyrical lies,

You didn't see past the veiled skies

So I made them my truth,

Made them my muse to vacant art

Made them my object of shattered heart

While my pieces broke loose.

If that's not too much to ask,

Do you remember the pretty past?

Believe me, one last time.

I lost my shine.

I'm not fine.

You're not mine.

And after it all, I cried. A part of me never revived.

Believe me, I lied.

When I said everything was going to be okay

Every single day?

That in the end what mattered

Was our dreams, instead of our fractures?

I'll remember it until I fall,

I'll go through my madness even if it means I have to crawl.

I'll heed your fantasized prophetic call.

I'll veil every diaristic dreamscape on the wall,

I'll close every book that I own on my shelf

I'll write every sentence like I never lost myself.

How do I be the someone you don't regret?

How do I be the someone you don't forget?

I knew how you spoke,

But you were mute of sincere words.

I'm drowning in this smoke

Sights blurred, screams unheard.

Hollow fills me up every time I see you again

In the reflection, a mirage I can't release

I'm tethered, like the hands frozen on a clock.

What would you think of me if you could see me

A pathetic soldier fighting a battle lost long ago

On the field because she wasn't aware it was over?

You've become a stranger that I know too much.

Locked up behind letters and poetry, a guardian of our past.

Every goodbye could've been the last,

But I'm still greeting your weight every morning,

I'm still grieving, my wait is like mourning.

You've left in all the wrong places.

Promises broke, but they were unspoken.

Endings ran loose, but the story was unwritten.

Hearts ached, but they were gone.

Lights were turned off, but they were never on.

I can't tell what exists:

If I feel dead am I really living?

The ghosts were there before we died,

The tomb was dug for something never alive.

Oh god you can paint me cerulean or saddest blue,

You can become or cause my ghosts.

I loved you, I lost you,

And I don't even know what hurt the most.

The phantom.