Poems of Pain and Solitude

Chapter 11: trying over derision

I tried my best to be the person you wanted

For all your wishes to be granted,

I made all the roses in my gardens flower

And yielded to you my ever power.

Now I am left just trying over derision,

Hopes shattering on everything I envision.

You said my nightmares were impositions,

But memories are more than the scars

On the back of my hand,

And are more than just the pain I see in the sand.

They're how I see you when I look for the stars

How all the constellations spill pain in the midnight rain.

In the middle of the night, empty

You woke up, searching for the demon in your soul

But all you could see was the reflection

That stared so ghastly in the mirror, so real, so whole,

And you thought what a tiresome job it must be

To try constantly over the noise of derision.

To simply try is what we do everyday.

But to try surrounded by laughter,

Attacked, by the sharp poisons of mockery

Is to climb on a sloping hill ever after

And to vainly try to break the walls of bravery.

And so we slowly die, hearts full of dismay.

In my dreams I reach out for you,

But every time your laugh gets warmer,

I realize my hopes will never get close to true

I mourn the loss of a life where we were closer,

A life in which my every feeling wasn't treacherous

And in which your every thought wasn't murderous.

On lonely midnights I sit by the moon,

Even when the rain is pouring, I can't do

What I've tried to do for so long; it feels so wrong

To let go and cry, for I know I'll never fly

And the pictures remind me you were but a mere dream

That became mere humming memory to me.

A thousand little cuts on my heart,

You knew that I needed you,

Yet you let the wounds bleed through.

You tore apart the love I called art;

A masterpiece yet to be growing

But the smoke kept on showing.

I knew someday you'd come back to me

Because you've never known anything real

And the thought of something that felt real

But was- So. Completely. Fake. By your fault

Brought you comfort.

Well I hope you know, I loved you. Really.

But you couldn't even bother to say goodbye