TW- Slight Talk of Suicide
Practice and dinner had finished, so has showers, and getting ready for bed. Now Kageyama can be found sitting in the lounge watching tv with the cat on his lap.
But he couldn't concentrate, something heavy had settled in the pit of his stomach. Something heavy that needed to get out. Huffing, he picks her up and sets her back down, nervously walking over to the adult's bedroom.
He knocks and opens the door, closing it behind him. "Something wrong?" Takeda asks and for the first time, Kageyama gave them a yes, and sits down at the edge of the bed, fidgeting, then immediately shakes his head and gets back up, walking toward the door to leave.
Ittetsu grabs his hand, stopping him from leaving. "Hey no it's okay. What's wrong?"
Tobio slowly sits back down. I wanna talk. "Okay, about what?"
It's happened before.
He hands them over printed papers. All having similar themes: Missing Boy Found. Kageyama Tobio, age 5, missing. Kageyama Tobio, who has been missing for a week, found alive.
They carefully read the articles he gave them, then handing them back to him.
I haven't known peace since then. Everyday I've lived in fear on whether or not it would come back for me, and it did. It always gets what it wants, and what it wanted, was me.
"Is there a reason why it wanted you?" Takeda slaps Ukai on his arm. "Don't be insensitive," he scolds. "I'm not! It's just a question. Maybe there's a reason why it wanted him." Kageyama shrugs his shoulders.
Don't know. I'll ask it when I see it next. They knew that he was joking and being sarcastic, but it still made them feel bad.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. He admits. I'm tired of being scared all the time and constantly having to keep my guard up. I'm tired of being itchy and sore all the time. And I'm tired of crying.
His eyes are glossy as he's fiddling with his hands, looking like he's stopping himself from crying.
Sometimes I'm even tired of being alive. Sometimes I want to give up.
He's looking down into his lap, not daring to look at them, not wanting to know how they're reacting.
"Tobio," Takeda says gently. "Tobio look at me." Kageyama shakes his head and hides in his shirt, sealing up the hole with his hands, ashamed and scared.
Takeda gets up from the bed and sits down next to him, rubbing his hand up and down his back, not knowing how to comfort him, but desperately wanting to.
"Tobio, it's okay to feel like that. You don't have to feel okay all the time," he knows that Kageyama has heard these words too many times to count, but he doesn't know what else to say.
How are you supposed to comfort someone who doesn't want to be alive anymore?
"Tobio, have-have you ever acted on those urges before?" Keishin asks. Kageyama pops his head back out. What do you mean?
"Have you ever tried to act on those urges of not being alive before?" Ukai spoke slowly, trying to word his question carefully.
Kageyama sits there quietly for a moment, thinking. Eventually shaking his head.
"Are you sure? It's okay if you have, we're not going to yell at you, we just want to know is all." Kageyama shook his head again.
"Would you ever consider it?"
I've thought about it, many times, but I can't.
"Why not?"
Because it would make everyone sad. They seemed pretty happy to see me when I came back. Everyone probably thought I was dead. I can't let them feel that again.
"Are there any other reasons?"
The cat. I like your cat.
"And what else?"
Morning coffee. The sunsets and sunrises are pretty. Rainy days. Music. Volleyball. Movie nights.
"Morning coffee? How do you like it?"
Black.
"Black?" Yes.
"No milk or sugar?"
No. "Okay, you weirdo."
Keishin shakes his head and smiles, "anything else?"
Hugs. Clean sheets. Letters. Art.
"You like those things?" He keeps talking about Kageyama's interests, noticing the spec of life in the usually empty eyes.
Tobio nods enthusiastically. "You like hugs?" Yes. "You always seem so stand-offish whenever anyone gives you one though?" Ukai questions as Takeda stays quiet, enjoying the conversation.
Tobio shrugs. Not used to receiving positive affection. It's sad, but unfortunately true.
"You like letters?"
And notes. I like to keep them and store them somewhere.
"Do you do any other art besides drawing?" He's realising that this is the first time he's genuinely getting to know Kageyama.
Painting. Drawing and painting. Sometimes poetry.
"What kind of music do you like? Any specific genre?"
No. I like all music.
It was clear that Kageyama was in a relaxed state. Things were quiet now and the little energy that was there, had now fizzled out.
"You know you don't have to wear long sleeve shirts to bed, right? It's just us."
If I can't see the scars, then it means they don't exist.
"Do they still itch?" He nods, rubbing at his forearm. "You want more cream on?" Yes.
Ukai gets up and walks out of the room, coming back with cream and a small suspicious bottle in hand. Discreetly handing it to Takeda.
Tobio lifted up his shirt for him, and he delicately massaged the cool cream into the scarring, noticing that it's far less inflamed and red than before.
Then doing the same with his arm, letting Kageyama do the one on his thigh himself.
He knows what that bottle in Ittetsus hand is. It's obvious, and he can see the looks on their faces.
If I take the medication, can I sleep in here?
"Yes of course you can," Takeda says, running a hand through Kageyama's hair.
Tobio scrunches up his face in distaste at the gross liquid he's forced to take every night.
"So how do you get your hair so soft and shiny like that? Is it natural or what?" Ukai can't help but ask, in lighthearted tone. Egg.
"What?"
I use egg in my hair, once a week. So, mostly natural.
"Do you...eat the egg...or...?"
No. That's gross. I crack it over my hair and massage it in, letting it sit there for half an hour to an hour.
"I did not expect that. I just used thought you used a bunch of hair products or something."
YOU ARE READING
The Silence Is Loud
Fanfiction*This work is also being rewritten and edited by me, EeryCurlew53, on ao3* Tobio Kageyama mysteriously disappeared. he's found months later in the forest. He hasn't said much since then. Not to his teammates. Not to his friends. And not to any of th...
