Humor Me (Steve Rogers fanfiction)

Chapter 21

„Oh, I think we can increase the power on this one, what do you think, Ivory?"

I am already on the floor. My legs folded underneath me, I use my arms to keep my upper body somewhat upright. My head is dropped between my shoulder, my breathing going fast.

I don't answer her, there is no use. She'll do it anyways.

I look up and see her standing on the other side of the room. She holds a blaster in her hands, that looks way too innocent for what it just did to me. It almost shot a hole in me. At least it felt like it, while it threw me back against the wall.

„Can you confirm me increasing the energy for the protocols please?" She asks, smiling like she didn't just burn the flesh off my hands. I was trying to block the blast with them. Now there's literal bones sticking out, the air stinks. The pain is unbearable.

„Bite me." My voice is so raspy, that I don't even understand myself.

Sharon just shrugs her shoulders. „Good enough." She says, before she increases the power and shoots again.

-

I wake up in my cell. The walls are made of glass. There is space around it so these pigs can walk around it and watch me at any time, from any angle. But there's no one here right now.

I lift myself up on my elbows. They didn't even put me on my „bed" – which is more of a stone with a very thin mattress on top. They just threw me in here. On the ground.

I'm normally never conscious, when they bring me to my cell, after experimenting the whole day.

My body is sore constantly or in agonising pain. But that's not really my problem. The problem is, that I don't know how long my mind can do this for. I'm almost at a point, where I might beg them to brainwash me, like they did with Bucky.

I don't want to feel like I am losing myself. I am scared of forgetting Sam's smile, Bucky's eyes or Steve's touch. I have nothing to get me through the day, or the night.

The nights are actually worse. At least the ones I am conscious for, because I just feel empty and lay there in pain.

Not knowing if or when this will ever be over is the worst thing I have ever felt. I don't even know, for how long I've already been here. Could be a month. Could be a year. Could be a week.

When I pull myself up to the mattress, I notice, that my hands have almost healed completely. Only the skin is left red and shiny. Tears crawl into my eyes. At least if the healing takes longer, they can't put me through another experiment the next day. But is that what I really want? Spend an entire day alone in my cell?

I don't know. All I know is I'm tired and I want to go home.

The thought of home sends me back down and I stay there. On the ground. Alone. I lean against the glasswall. Oh how many times I've tried punching my way through it. It's supersoldier proof. Or at least Me-proof because most of the time I am too weak to really use my full power. They make sure of that.

I look down on my half burned hands. Will I ever be able to look at my body again and not see a complete mess? Will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again and feel...strong? Feel sexy?

A tear drops onto my sore skin. I leave it there. It reminds me I'm still human.

„Sam, Bucky, Steve. Sam, Bucky, Steve. Sam, Bucky, Steve." I whisper, while I close my eyes, lean back my head and silently start crying.

-

Steve's POV:

„Anything new boys?" Nat asks, her eyebrows pulled together in concentration, while she looks down at the tablet in her hand.

It's been a month since Ivy went missing. It's been a month of constant research and raiding all the Hydra bases we could find. Nothing. I'm beginning to think they place their people in certain places just to keep us occupied.

„I've literally found nothing." Sam's voice sounds lifeless. He's been working the hardest and his sleepless nights are slowly but surely catching up to him. 

„Neither have I." Bucky's got a real death stare on his face. It seems to be implanted in his facial expression these days. I can't blame him. The whole situation is so frustrating. How can we not find anything?

„This is ridiculous." I blurt out my frustration. „It's been a month." I lean on my arms over the table.

„What are we not seeing?" Sam's frustration also takes over his voice, bringing power back into his words.

„Ivy has been doing research on Hydra for 15 years." Bucky reminds us. „She didn't find them." Great reminder, thanks Buck. 

I keep my mouth shut.

„So you think she's at the same facility her parents are being held at?" Nat asks in Bucky's direction, crossing her arms. She also looks really tired. This whole situation has taken a toll on all of us. Even as supersoldiers, Bucky and I are completely burnt out. I can't imagine how Sam and Nat must be feeling. Or how Ivy must be feeling. The thought sends my hands into fist, pressing down on the table, to not explode with anger.

„We don't even know if her parents are still alive." Sam notes.

„No we don't." I jump in. I raise my head and look at Sam. „But it's a start. If we figure out where her parents are held or were held, we might find her, too."

„Ivy tried finding them for fifteen years, Steve." Sam stares me down.

„She was working alone." I hear Bucky say. Sam's attention switches to him.

„You think the four of us can outsmart her?"

„We wouldn't be outsmarting her. Four pairs of eyes might just be able to see more." Nat throws in.

„We have to try, Sam." Bucky's voice is surprisingly soft all of a sudden, as he looks at our friend. We're all incredibly worried and Sam more than anyone. I don't even blame him for being so frustrated. He loves Ivy more than anything in this world.

„Buck's right." I say at last.

„Now you care?" Sam's eyes find mine and I feel a sting to my heart. He's right. I was always so occupied with arguing with Ivy. But I really do care about her, even tho she hurt me. I might even have started to like her a bit too much...that's why she was even in a position to hurt me like that. And Sam is rightful in his believe, that I don't care about her. I haven't given him any reason to believe otherwise until she disappeared.

I shift on my feet under his gaze. Nat und Bucky do the same. This just got very uncomfortable.

„She's suffering." Sam says, while keeping his eyes locked on mine. I fight the urge to flinch at his words. „As we speak." I see the fury in his eyes mixing with sadness. And pain. So much pain. „We need a better plan. Now!" He puts his fist to the table but none of us jump.

I return his stare.

„It's all we have, Sam." I see him sigh. „And instead of arguing about it we should follow the one thing we can actually act on."

He slowly begins nodding. I've gotten through to him. I breathe out a bunch of air in relief. I didn't even notice I was keeping that all in.

„Let's do it." That's Bucky.

„Now." I add.