Humor Me (Steve Rogers fanfiction)

Chapter 28

I toss and turn between my sheets. My mind won't rest. No matter what I try, my guilt keeps pulling and tweezing my insides. Rightfully so.

I look at the clock. It's already 03:23 a.m. I sigh. I can't do this anymore. I will never fall asleep and even if I do: The nightmares are waiting for me. So I pull back my blanket and sit up. I need to do something.

Should I go see if Steve is still awake? But why would he be? It's the middle of the night. I shouldn't bother him just to lay my mind at rest. He deserves to sleep. He deserves the world actually. And I screw up like that.

I sigh again and stand up. I could at least get down to the kitchen and maybe drink something. Maybe that will help clear my head.

I pull some high socks over my feet and then leave my room.

The hallway is empty and dark. It's kind of creepy how still it is. Everybody seems to be asleep. I rush towards the stairs on my tip toes, to not disturb anyone. When I get to the top of the stairs, I stop. My body seems to be pulled in the opposite direction. I know exactly where it wants to go. Where I want to go.

I could just listen, hear if he's asleep. And before I can think about it properly, my feet are already carrying me towards his room. A moment later I stand before Steve's door.

It's open.

Not completely, but it's a tad open.

„Steve?" It's barely more than a whisper. Of course he doesn't answer. I don't know what I was expecting. I put my hand forward and push the door open a little wider. The first thing I see is his empty bed. Empty?

I take a step forward and push the door open a little wider. There's nobody here.

„Steve?" I ask again. I hear a sound coming from his bathroom. I walk over to the door and halt at what I am seeing there.

„Oh my God, Steve. What are you doing?" I rush over and kneel down when I reach him. He's sat on the floor, head dropped. I put my hand on his knee and the other on his back, trying to give him some kind of comfort. „Talk to me?" Panic lunges at me and I have to control my breathing, to not freak out.

He looks like hell. And he's been crying. He doesn't look at me nor does he say anything.

„You're scaring me." I sob, quickly placing my hand over my mouth. I squeeze his knee with the other hand. More sobs threaten to shake my body but I control them. I need to find out what the hell is going on.

„Now you know how that feels." he says, still not looking at me. It takes me a second to grasp what he's saying. Now I know what it's like to be scared for someone.

„You have every right to be angry with me. I-"

„Heartbroken, Ivy." He pushes out, interrupting me. I swallow. „You tell me, that you care about me. You tell me you're ready for this and promise me all those things." Now he finally looks up at me. His eyes are full of so much pain that I can't bare it. My heart breaks for him. „And then what?" he asks. „You go on a suicide mission, having the goal to trick us into thinking you're dead." He puts his hands to his face and rubs them over his eyes.

I let my hand fall from his knee and look down.

„That sounds so horrible, when you say it now." I whisper. Steve let's out a sarcastic chuckle but I see a tear rolling down his cheek.

So there's Captain America. Our country's great symbol and warrior. On the floor, so vulnerable. He opens himself up to me and I kick him by hurting him like that. I'm a fucking coward.

„I just...I couldn't live if you died." I admit and as I repeat those words in my head, my heart sinks to the floor at the realisation. I look at Steve in complete shock. He returns my gaze, knowing I finally understand. „Oh my God, that's what I was doing to you, wasn't it?"

„You think I could live if you died?" he asks me, his voice ever so slightly breaking. I fall back onto my ass.

„I'm such an idiot." I breathe.

„Ivy, listen to me." I look up and am met with his beautiful blue eyes, glizzening from pain. I shake my head. 

„No, please. You listen." he closes his mouth and actually listens. „I know what I did was so idiotic. It was selfish and stupid. And I am so fucking sorry I did this to you."

„Why did you do it?" he asks. I swallow. The truth hitting me like a freight train.

„Becaus I-" I run my fingers through my hair to keep them from shaking. „I love you, Steve Rogers."

I fight the urge to break our eye contact, as disbelief fills his gaze.

„What?" he breathes. It's not exactly the reaction I was hoping for but then again, what was I hoping for? I didn't know I was going to say that a few seconds ago. I didn't even know I felt that a few seconds ago. But as those words slipped out of my mouth, I knew them to be true.

„I- I love you, Steve." I repeat.

„Please don't say that, if you're not going to mean it, Ivy." he sounds so desperate. Yet he's not returning it. And that feeling is starting to sting. I sigh.

„You have no reason to believe me, after everything I put you through." I can't stop the tears from streaming down my face now. I really really need him to know how sincere I am.

„I've always been bad at expressing my feelings and just as good at hiding them. But this is the first time it actually feels more right to express them instead of hiding." I take a quick pause. „So just know: Even if you don't believe me. This is real to me. And I am beyond sorry I had to realize it through hurting you so badly. Again." I add.

„Ivy?" Steve says after a little while and hope rises up inside of me. He might actually return those feelings.

„Steve." I reply. But then – nothing. He just looks down and doesn't say anything after that. I silently nod to show him I understand. I bring my sleeve up and whipe my face with it, ridding it of all the tears and snot.

„It's okay, Steve. I understand." And I really do understand. But it hurts like a bitch. Him not being able to say it back to me. The very apparent reason being that he doesn't return my feelings. New tears stream down my face as I start to get back up on my feet. „I get it."

I don't know why I'm saying that. Is it to soothe him, or me? Steve rolls his head against the wall behind him and looks away.

„I'm sorry." he says. 

„No!" I quickly say, when I am up on my feet again. My legs are tingling as they must have fallen asleep. „No, please Steve. It's fine. Don't worry. Don't apologise." I ramble. „I should-"

But I can't even finish that sentence, because tears seem to be drowning me. So I push my feet into motion, stumbling out of the bathroom, into his bedroom and then out the door, away from him. My heart feels like someone played tennis with it, as it's pumping relentlessly against my chest. My whole rib cage seems to be in pain.

I stumble all the way to my room and then tear open a window, to let the cold air hit my wet face. I deserve this. I deserve all of this. Being vulnerable with Steve and getting turned down. I deserve this and so much more. He should hurt me the way I hurt him. But that's exactly what I've always been afraid of.

The closer you let people get, the more they can hurt you. And the man you love? Damn that's pretty fucking close. Hense the tear I feel in my heart right now.