Humor Me (Steve Rogers fanfiction)

Chapter 29

Swooosh, crash.

What is wrong with me? Why would I be so stupid? How could I do that?

Swooosh, catch.

Am I destined to ruin everything that's good? Am I self sabotaging?

Swooosh, crash, swooosh, catch.

Jesus, Ivy. Maybe you should let your family help instead of pushing them away. Or you'll just keep hurting them and – oh well – you'll keep hurting yourself.

Swooosh, crash.

Shit.

I sigh and walk towards the tree I just sent the shield flying into.

I've been up all night. After Steve's...justified rejection, I went to my room and sat by the window for a bit. The little winds of cold air were doing nothing to clear my head and stop me from crying. And I have definitely cried enough to last me a lifetime.

So at about 4:30 I went out into the backyard to throw that shield around. I've caught Sam and Bucky doing the same once and they told me afterwards that it helped them clear their mind and focus onto something else.

I swallow down a big lump as I remember what day that was. The day Steve and Nat had come back. That feels like an eternity ago, it's only been a couple of months. So much has happened.

I grab the shield and yank it out of the tree trunk, when I hear steps behind me and seconds later a voice.

„You're up early." Sam notes. I don't exactly know what time it is, but by the rising sun I'd say around 6. I walk back to my throwing spot, without looking at him. He just follows.

„Actually, I never slept." I say, and throw the shield against one of the patted trunks. It bounces off and flies towards Sam. He catches it, then looks at me.

„Conscience, huh?" he asks.

Swooosh, crash, swooosh.

I catch the shield.

„Look, Sam. If you want to lecture me: Don't. I get it." I throw again and sigh as it gets stuck again. I really need to focus on sending it against the patted trees.

Sam slowly walks towards the shield. I just look at him, while he retrieves it.

„I'm not here to lecture you, Ivy." he says with his back still to me. Then he turns around and walks back. He stops two steps in front of me and I realize our little throw and catch is over now. „I did however hear someone storm out of Steve's room last night. And don't tell me that wasn't you, because I'm pretty sure it wasn't Bucky either."

A playful smile shows on his lips. I look down.

„It was me." I say barely loud enough for him to hear me. „I- it's complicated." I kick some leaves on the grass, not wanting to look at Sam.

„Try me." something in his tone makes me look up after all. He seems to genuinely be concerned for me. How is he not still angry with me? I bet Bucky still is and I know for a fact, that Steve is. But Sam's different. He's always been different.

And the fact, that he is so special to me, makes my heart ache even more. How could I ever think about pulling something like I tried yesterday.

I look away again and lick my lips.

„I told Steve that I love him." Sam sighs and I look at him. There's no judgement, no mockery. He's simply listening and trying to figure me out. „He didn't say it back and I couldn't take that rejection. I was trying to talk to him and explain myself. When I figured out, why I would do such an idiotic thing, I just had to say it and..."