Humor Me (Steve Rogers fanfiction)

Chapter 31

It's been a week. A week since I ran away from my problems. A week since I left the compound to come to my parents' old cabin. And a week of constant night terror and trying to deal during the day.

I feel like my nightmares have gotten worse since shit went down. But that's no surprise. The fact that I not only have to sleep alone but also have this void of my friends to deal with is reason enough for my anxiety to put on a show.

My days for the last week have basically consisted of training and eating – but eating only if I could find the appetite to do so. So they mostly consisted of training.

I miss them. I miss him. But I can't go back right now. I can't just go there and see him. I feel like I forgave Sam after two or three days. But Steve? He needs to explain himself first.

But I keep dodging his calls. I don't know why. He gave me space the first four days and that's what I needed for the first wave of anger to pass. But now that he's trying to reach out I just can't deal with it. I don't know what I am scared of. But I'm scared. Being vulnerable never was my strong suit.

It's Saturday and I decide to drive into the little town, that's near my cabin. I need to get some groceries.

After I park my car, I decide I want to get a coffee at a café. The nearest one is in a small train station, so I walk up the long ramp, leading inside. My hands in the pockets of my coat, I chew on the inside of my cheek, while my thoughts keep racing inside my mind.

I haven't seen any humans for the last week, because I was totally locked away in that cabin. It was nice. Now that I see all those civilian faces, I can't help but think about the life they're living.

Besides the blip, most of them have never even noticed a foreign threat before. They have no idea, what Hydra is doing and how dangerous they are. They have no idea what life people like Sam, Bucky, Steve and Nat are living and what they are giving up.

Lucky bastards.

I guess I should count myself to the unlucky bastards. I loved being an agent but after the whole Hydra thing went down, I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe a little more peaceful cabin and a lot less stressful compound would do all of us some good.

Well...of course Steve is born for this life. But if I had to guess, I would say, that even he would enjoy a more zen lifestyle. Isn't that what he wanted with Peggy? Have a house? Have a family? Live a normal life?

My stomach turns at the thought.

I bump into someone, while I'm deep in thought and looking towards the ground. He curses at me and keeps walking. I mumble something offensive and then raise my head so I can look straight ahead. No need to run over someone else.

My heart stops.

1, 2, 3 seconds... and then it starts beating out of my chest. I actually feel like it's visible from the outside. My whole body is shaking from the pulse of my hammering heart.

A pair of ocean blue eyes locks with mine. They're soft. Relieved. But also very sad. And old. He seems so very old. Did I do that to him? Did I make him age with worry?

No. He did it to himself.

I dig my hands deeper into my pockets, but I keep walking towards him, until he's right in front of me. I stop.

„What are you doing here, Steve?" I ask and curse myself for not clearing my throat first. I haven't been talking much these days, causing my voice to now sound very raspy.

He presses his lips together and keeps his puppy eyes locked onto mine. He looks so sad, my heart breaks. But still, he messed up. Not me. Not this time.