Blandview High Musical

80. A ClusterF**k

With April coming to an end quickly, there was a certain sadness that was filtering through my moods. I found myself going to the graveyard more times than often, sitting atop Shayne's grave. The dirt had since sunk and carpet grass was attempting to fill in to create a lush bed of softness. I threaded my fingers through the grass, imagining it to be his hair. I would speak to him and tell him how much I missed him. How much I wished he was here to see everything. Slowly, I was coming to the realization that I could feel happiness and loneliness all at the same time.

It was the 3rd of May. Rain was pattering down softly as I was sitting on the foam kneeling pad I had brought with me. It was a Saturday. I heard the sounds of tires rolling across the gravel that drew closer. They stopped and the idling of the engine ceased. "Gill!" I recognized the voice. It was Tommy. Probably the only person who knew I would be here. I heard his footsteps on the gravel before they went almost silent when they met the grass. "Honey, it's raining. You shouldn't be out here." He said, his voice drawing closer. I remained still. Tommy walked up and squatted down beside me, the rain beginning to drench his clothing. "Gill, let's go." He said, placing his hand on my shoulder. I hadn't realized that tears were beginning to spill down my cheeks. "Don't make me go." I said softly. "You can come back when it isn't raining." He said, continuing to attempt to reason. I simply shook my head.

Tommy's knees gave way and he sat down on the ground, placing his arm around me. "You have done nothing but torture yourself these past several days over this. You don't need this any more. You have to let him go." "I can't!" I said, looking over at him. He placed his hand on my cheek, holding me there. He placed a kiss against my lips. "I've got you. I always have." He said, kissing me again. I pushed my forehead against his own. "It's just not enough." I said softly. I couldn't help but feel shame with saying those words and I was worried he might take it negatively. "We can make it enough for now." He kissed me again and again. "Tell me you love me." I said, quietly. "I love you." He immediately answered. It felt so good to hear that. Tommy would always be the sunshine warmth on my cheeks.

The following Monday, I found myself zoning out while at lunch with everyone else. "Gill, are you alright? You seem like you're somewhere else today." Damien pointed out. I looked up at him. The table went quiet and all of the attention was suddenly focused on me. "Do you wanna tell us what's on your mind?" Jade asked. The tone was gentle like normal. "I've just been thinking about Shayne...more than normal." I said. They exchanged looks. "She's um...been spending a lot of time at the cemetery." Tommy said. It seemed to sour the mood as no other words were exchanged.

"She doesn't want to talk about it, just leave her be." Donnie said in a hushed voice. "Donnie...she's more than just a friend for me. No one has taken Shayne's death harder than she has and with good reason." Jade said, pulling away from him. Donnie stayed by the locker as Jade walked down the aisle towards where Gill was standing. "Gill, I wanted to talk to you about Shayne." She said to me. "I'm not a China doll." I said, sternly. "I know, but I know how much this is affecting you and I have a few ideas on how to honor Shayne's memory. I think he'd want you to do something like that." She said. I shut the locker door. "What are some of your ideas?" I said. "I think that maybe we can write something for you to say at graduation. After all, I think we all know you're going to be Valedictorian when we graduate." She said. I stood there for a second with some tears in my eyes. "I-I don't even have to help you with it. I can do proofreading for mistakes. You can write the whole thing, Shayne would want that." She said. I rolled my lips together to stop them from shaking. The tears started to roll down my cheeks. It was such a wonderful suggestion, and I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before. "It's perfect." I said. "Everything will be alright." Jade said, placing her hand on my shoulder.

I watched as her and Donnie walked away. I wanted to cry. It was frustrating if I had to put a word to the emotion I as feeling. I wanted nothing more than to feel like I had someone. I did have someone at one point. As I turned away from watching them, I caught Tommy, sulking around the lockers. I walked over to where he was. "What are you doing over here?" I asked, wiping the tears from my eyes. I sniffled softly. "Just...keeping an eye on things." Tommy said. I followed his line of sight to find Joe Hansen at the end of it. He was mercilessly flirting with a girl I had never seen before. I wrinkled my brow. "Do you wanna come over tonight?" I asked. Tommy's brows shot up. I find it so comical that he always acts like I'm asking him for the very first time. "I could use your help with a few things." I pushed. He sighed. "Yeah, I'll help with anything." I grabbed him by the hand and dragged him away from the hall.