MY BIG FAT ROMANCE

MBFR : 43

EPISODE 43 : BREAK THE KNOT

Someone said that life is painfully hard but that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful. However, every time I experience things that is completely upholds the happiest part of my life, I couldn't bring to cease myself to think that it has a counterfeit, it's always has and always been.

Umiikot ang mundo at hindi dahil nag-uumapaw ang sayang nararamdaman ko ngayon ay ibig sabihin ay may karapatan pa akong maramdaman ito bukas, sa susunod na araw,  sa isang linggo o hilingin na sana habang buhay nang ganito. 

Life is a vicious circle, madadapa, tatayo, madadapa at tatayo ulit. Paulit-ulit... paulit-ulit tayong masasaktan, sasaya, masasaktan at sasaya na naman.

With all of the problem or difficult situation that has effect of creating new problems, I didn't even notice that I am questioning my purpose again. 

Bakit paulit-ulit na lang? No matter how I build myself up, no matter how many courage I store in my chest, I will end up on the ground with my feet being crumpled. No matter how I fought hard, reality will immensely slap me on the face and I couldn't help but to endure it.

Why does life seems so hard to pursue?

I am holding a cup of green tea while leaning on the wall. Witnessing the azure sky, the mesmerizing rays of the sunshine that passed through the open window, the superstructure building, and a several birds flying gaily on the atmosphere.

I'm isolating myself from the world and its people, pati si Clyde ay walang tigil sa pagte-text sa akin. He even tried to knock on my door several times since last week and up to today.

I just told him that I need some time alone because I can't promise myself to not burst out in tears the moment I will see him.

I feel a tear fell out on my skin as I remember what the doctor had told me.

Everything seems blurry and I couldn't find any courage to accept it. I mean, I know that each and everyone of us has our own ending but I didn't want mine to end like this. 

Tanggap ko naman na lahat ng bagay ay may katapusan, tanggap ko naman na may hangganan ang lahat ng ito eh.

Looking back to the hindrances I passed through, I get to formulate question that never has an answer.

Bakit ko pa kailangang mahirapan kung tatapusin din naman ang lahat? Bakit kailangan ko pang paghirapan maging masaya at makaranas ng tunay na pagmamahal kung sa dulo nito ang paglisan lang din naman ang nag-iisang tugon?

I don't know... I really don't know that I'm begging for a life that I tried to cut off long ago. 

I close my eyes as I feel my soaked cheeks, wala na akong maisip na iba pang paraan kundi ang umiyak dahil wala naman na akong magagawa pa.  Circumstance fucks me so hard and I couldn't even scream! 

I couldn't scream because it is too painful that I wish this is just a nightmare. I couldn't scream because the pang on my heart seems so loud enough for my whines.

A consistent knock wakes me up from a deep thought. Dahan-dahan akong napalingon sa pintuan kung saan nanggaling ang mga katok na iyon.

My heart start to beat and every beat of it affiliates a sorrow that I can't elucidate where it came from.

Walang lakas kong inihakbang ang paa patungo sa pintuan, may kung anong kirot sa puso ko nang makita si mama sa labas. Wala akong makalap na rason para hindi siya pagbuksan, ayaw kong mag-alala ito kaya isang malalim na buntong-hininga muna ang aking pinakawalan bago siya pagbuksan.