In the shadow of Hermione Granger.

The voices

Monday October 29th

I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, my nightmare was about Ginny stabbing me in the back, and I think, would that happen? After yesterday? Did yesterday even happen? I get up and light a candle, then I open my drawer and on top what I wrote down after yesterday: "Am I in love with her, I can't be, I've had a crush on Sebastian for forever, can your feelings change so easily, maybe, I'm confused." I take the paper out of the drawer and continue to write: "Maybe it was a one time thing, you cant be in love after one kiss can you? What did Hermione say? She said something like: and then we kissed and it was like the whole world just disappeared." I stop and think, I felt like the world disappeared, but maybe it was just me, I know Hermione is smart but she's not a love expert, not that I know of, and it took years for Ron to see that he was in love with Hermione, what if I'm in love with Ginny? Do I have to wait years for her to fall in love with me, and what about Sebastian, my thoughts get interrupted by a tint voice in my head: "Don't overthink it and go back to bed."

I've heard this voice too often, it's Hermione's voice, it's so annoying, she's in my head all the time and especially when I make mistakes, I don't want to listen to it, but the voice continues: "It was one kiss, she just used you for practise, she loves harry, she will never love you. You are just the stupid little sister, and you'll never be anything else." I cover my ears to block out the voice but it just laughs and say: "You will never block me out, I will always be a part of you, you'll never get rid of me, just get used to it" I end up yelling: "JUST STOP" I wake up and Hermione is looking worried at me and says: "Harlow are you okay? You were yelling" I'm at my desk, I must have fallen asleep again, but how? I get up and I almost fall, but Hermione catches me and leads me to my bed. She sits down beside me and says: "Another bad dream?"

I have no words so I just nod, and Hermione says: "It's going to be okay, just try to sleep again okay"

I've been struggling with these voices for as long as I remember, and its worse at night, I often wake up by yelling. It's the only thing that works, I know Hermione wants the best for me, but I cant tell her that its her voice that haunts my dreams. 

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