Forbidden from the start

chapter 58

Jacob's POV

If I had a title for my story, it would be;
" How to stop feeling guilty ". My inner critic works against me every time I do something stupid or out of my league. From loosing an easy -as the say- score in football, to kissing my best friend's sister.

Dumb, right?

How did she called it again? " Spoiled bitch?" Yeah, that's what I'm, I guess. Why am I not satisfied with what I'm already given? I have money, women, genuine friends and the career of my dreams on a silver platter. But still, my greedy ass can't comprehend the fact that I simply can't have it all. Everything that got to do with her, is traced to my faking past.

" I would love to see you wake up for that job interview tomorrow " Martha chuckles referring to Kyle's first actually legal job

" Hey, it's almost five in the morning " he argues " meaning that practically, it's already tomorrow "

" That doesn't make it any better " she answered back to her boyfriend

" Sorry " I hear Olivia's voice, something in my stomach twitching as I remember the only thing that keeps my mind fogged with thoughts the last half hour or so

" At least she admits that she's wrong " I mumble under my breath but I know that she heard when I feel her poking eyes tear through me

" Oh, so now you wanna make yourself-what? A hero? And I'm the villain?" she snarled at me

I keep a good hold of the stearwheel, wishing that I never said anything because listening to her, feeling her stare, makes me feel something that I didn't believe I would feel again.

It feels exactly like when my father died. In situations like this a son should feel devastated when they lose their parent, their mentor, their idol. But with me? No, not at all. The only thing I allow myself to remember from that time is that I felt guilty for not being destroyed. I recall a sadness burdening my chest , lots of alcohol, pills and some tears, but never actually feeling sorrowful. I recollect having my mother in my arms, safe and unharmed. I remember thinking that if there's god he took him from us for good, he saved us from that man and his abuse and that was enough to keep a smile on my lips.

I don't like feeling guilty for not feeling guilty, that's for sure.

But how can someone forget her kiss?

I'm sure that even if I hit my head hundreds of times on the cement, still, I couldn't erase that from my memory.

There's a loud silence in the car, her mad position reminding me that she's ready to burst into yelling at  any moment. Something in me thanked my fast car for bringing us home, this suffering is ready to end.

" Alright, good night " Martha kisses Kyle on the lips, my eyes going straight at my keys that twists and locks my car, avoiding to see anything that could trigger emotions that I shouldn't have

" Goodnight baby " Kyle replies and I quickly stare at Olivia's fast walking to the entrance

" Say goodnight like normal fucking person " I yell, unable to hold myself

" Fuck you!" She fires back

" No, fuck you!" I finally burst, regretting my words

I'm the oldest one in here, and still she makes me act like a fourteen-year-old.

She ignores my presence and yanks the door open, leaving me watching out of breath, my nerves hitting the ceiling.

" She probably just needs to sleep" Her friend tries to  remark " Just give her some time, she doesn't understand that you care, I mean damn sometimes I don't even get it myself "

" I don't care, I have to do all of that" I try to cover, but I think it's pointless to do so, since from my angry face and my closed fist on my side it's pretty much clear that I do care more that I tent to show

" Whatever you say" she nods her head, unamused from my classic behavior

Kyle's eyes follow Martha till she enters the building, leaving us alone.

" She kissed me " I finally speak, feeling his eyes on me, probably waiting for an excuse for my actions

" Well, damn" is what makes it out of his mouth " at least she has some balls"

I stare at him, leading the way to our room.

" I stepped back and called her out for what she did, told her to never do that again " I continue

" What are you even doing bro " he exhales disappointed

" What am I doing?" I point to myself even he can't see it from being behind me

It seems that every choice I would have taken I would be the one who's fault it is. I prefer everyone accusing me for being the wrong one, than her taking the blame.

" You're just avoiding you feelings, like you always do "

" What do you think I should do?" I glance back at him in frustration " Admit that I'm in love with her when I, myself don't know if that's true?"

" You know the truth, you just try to avoid it" he points out " You're telling me that you felt nothing when she kissed you?"

I grunt my teeth together, my fingers holding tightly the keys in my hand.

" I don't know what I felt"

" You know very well, you're just trying to act like a robot " I feel his palm resting on my shoulder, an encouraging pat accompanying the action " You gave your friend a promise years ago, and it's time you remember than your happiness matters more than a stupid vow you gave at eighteen "

" She's the only person who he prefers to die rather than seeing her hurt " I say, my look stuck on the lock " I feel it too Kyle, and I feel it for her "

" I don't know what's wrong with me"

I whisper.

"You need to figure it out dude. Because one day, she will wake up and decide that she has had enough of you" he states " And then it would be too late.."

" Because you'll have already lost her"