Giving in... Or giving up...

Chapter 51

I am staying for a week now in the little house in the mountains... The drive here was lovely... The further away i got from New York the more i relaxed and slowly i felt like i could breathe again... The pain was still there, and it wasn't going away anytime soon i knew that but at least i was no longer in a place that was haunted by him... 

I loved this little house... It was quiet and peaceful... I had thrown myself into my writing setting a goal for myself to have finished my book before my stay here was up... I had called my publisher and made her very happy saying i was willing to do a book tour... I had never wanted too before, so she was all excited... I put every emotion, frustration and hurt i had into this book... It was going to be a tearjerker... A dark romance much darker then i normally would write... It was my way of healing... Some form of therapy.... I had started from scratch deleting everything i had while i was still happy and in love... Somehow it wasn't right anymore... 

I wake up and stretch myself out smiling at the sounds of the birds... I get out of bed make myself some breakfast and coffee and walk to the little desk looking out into the forest... It was amazing... The views of this place are amazing so calming and healing... All sort of animals would make their appearance throughout the day... Sometimes i felt like i stepped into some sort of fairytale... 

I turned on my phone to see if i had any important messages but other than Chris, Seb or Scott there was nothing... I had gone to bed late as i was totally in the zone writing and my book was almost done... In a few days i would be able to send it to my publisher and they would take it from there... I was kind of excited for the book tour even if it was out of my comfort zone... But i wanted to try something new and if i didn't like it than i would never do it again... 

I named the male lead in my book Connor Romeo Everett... Giving him the same initials as Chris as a big fuck you to him... I didn't know how it was going to end but one thing was for sure... It wouldn't end well for Connor... He was going to die a slow painful death... It was illegal to kill him in real life so i would kill him in my book and maybe that would be enough to have closure... 

I smirk at my screen reading the last chapter again... The start of Connors demise... The charming womanizer who will die a slow painful death at the hand of the woman who he had betrayed after making her fall hard for him...  I work for a few hours before going on a hike... I did this every day i loved it just me and nature... Right now, the thought of going back to the city made me sick... Thinking of back home and Chris literally made me sick to my stomach and i tried not to think about him as i didn't want to throw up again... I never knew heartbreak could literally make you sick but i guess it can... Or maybe i made myself sick because i still loved him and i hated myself for it...

My phone buzzes and i see Seb's name in the screen and i sigh... I decline the call like i had done hundreds of times before not ready to talk to him yet...  I hadn't talked to him because  i was just too angry... I know it was being unreasonable but i hated him right now to... He had brought Chris into my life advocated for him and although i know i was the one to give Chris a change and Chris was the one who cheated part of me blamed Seb to... 

I smile taking a deep breath of fresh air playing in my mind on how to kill Conor off... I chuckled at the idea of turning this book into a movie and have Chris play the lead so i can kill him off on screen... It was a nice little fantasy... After my hike i take a shower and decide to go into town to get some groceries and have some dinner... I drive to this little diner and order myself a burger and sit down at the counter... I had come accustomed to the fact i was the odd one out and people would stare... At first it bothered me and i wondered if something had come out by the fact Chris cheated but of course that was not the case because other than Seb, and Chris his family no one knew who i was to him... 

After dinner and grocery shopping i go back to the little house and install myself behind the laptop again... I write well into the late hours and when i go to bed i fall asleep immediately... I wake up at around 10 and like every morning i make myself some breakfast and coffee smiling as i was getting better at it... I was cooking for myself and to my surprise started to like it... I chuckled and took my plate crawling behind the little desk again... I took a few bites and all of a sudden, a wave of nausea washes over me... I drop the plate on the desk and run to the bathroom falling on my knees and everything comes out... The few bites of breakfast and my late-night snack... When i am done i sigh and sit on the cold floor catching my breath... I pull myself up get undressed and brush my teeth and get under the shower the warm water relaxing my body... I shower until i am out of hot water and get dressed in something comfy and decide to just write hanging on the couch...