Giving in... Or giving up...

Chapter 79

I smile as i hear Chris singing to Sade... He is changing her in the nursery while i eat my breakfast... We are home a few days now and although we are both tired due to the lack of sleep i am absolutely loving this... I feel so happy... Our girl is amazing... Chris is amazing because although i have to wake up at night to feed her he wakes up with me so i dont have to get out of bed to get her... He is really stepping up and i can seriously say i am happy... Chris is so much more hands on than i had ever imagined...

But i am also getting angrier as Seb still hasn't reacted to the baby photo... After Chris told me what Seb had said and him not wanting Chris to come here i was angry... I get it he didn't like the fact that i moved... I get that he didn't like the fact that everything changed... But to tell Chris to not come her so i would move back was ridiculous...

I look at my phone and take a deep breath before i start typing...

"Seb... I know that i hurt you by moving away... Everything changed and i am to blame for that. It was never my intention at first... I just needed to get away... You know how i am sometimes i just need to get away to breathe, to heal... It was my intention to come back... It really was... But i fell in love with this place... You would love it here Seb... The people are friendly and so helpful... They dont care about fame, money or anything like that... They only thing they care about is if you are a good person or not... When i found out i was pregnant it felt like my world stopped... But something in me changed in me the moment i saw the ultrasound... The moment i saw my baby the idea of going back to New York made me sick... I want my little girl to grow up in a place that is peaceful... That is not so rushed and loud... I want my little girl to be able to play outside in a yard... It makes me sad that you apparently can't get on board with that..." I typed taking a little moment to pause as tears were running down my cheeks... 

"But i am also angry with you... I know everything was not perfect between Chris and i... He hurt me... He hurt me allot... But to tell him to not come here... Encouraging him to not come here to try and fix things... Not even for me but to be a father for our little girl...  hoping it would force me to come back... But i can tell you i would never have come back... Because this is my home now... This is our home now... Chris and i talked a lot... And i know maybe i am a fool... But i gave him another chance... Although he hurt me a lot and we have a lot to work on we are going to try and i have to admit that the moment i decided to give him another chance i felt relief... I could finally let go of the anger and hurt... He knows this is his last chance... If he screws up now it is over, he will lose me and our little girl..." I take another breath as my hand is shaking and it is getting hard to see the screen though my tears... I wipe away my tears and continue...

"But you should see him Seb... The look of love in his eyes as he holds our little girl... How she looks at him already having him wrapped around her little fingers... She is already such a daddy's girl... He is really stepping up... It feels different... I dont know what the future holds... But i choose to be happy and at the moment i am happy... And i am sorry that i hurt you in the process of finding my happiness... I am so sorry that i hurt you... But you hurt me to... You have gone radio silence in a time i needed my big brother... Sade needs her uncle... And Chris needs his friend... We all want and need you in our lives...  I will not apologize for the fact i choose my own happiness that i choose what is best for me and my little girl... You might not like it, but she is number 1 now and although i didn't plan on becoming a mother so soon she makes it so worth it... So, no i will not apologize for being happy here..." I type as the tears keep coming there is no use in trying to stop them...

"This will be the last message i will send you and if you do not respond i will let you go... I will reside in the fact that our relationship has run its course... It will hurt and i will be sad about it but i will reside in the fact that i tried... I love you Seb... I really do and if you choose not to contact me to not be part of our lives i will respect that... Then i wish you all the best for the future and hope you will find your own happiness and maybe then you will understand were i am coming from... Love you..." I type and i hover my finger over the send button not sure if i should send this ridiculous long text... I attach another photo onto it... One Chris had taken of the 3 of us... We look so happy it is my favorite picture of us 3... 

Maybe i should just let it go and not text this... Just cut my losses. But i felt like i had to do this... A last futile attempt to maybe save our relationship... Hoping i would get through to him... Hoping he will understand... Hoping he will be part of our lives... I didn't want to put all the blame on him... I know i made mistakes. Maybe i had been too caught up in my own life... But i was the one willing to work on it... He just ignored me... 

I press send and take another deep breath throwing my phone to the side and i just cried... Letting it all out because i am sure i lost him... He hadn't responded before and i didn't expect him to do now...