Giving in... Or giving up...

Chapter 52

Another week in paradise had gone by and my book is finished... I am very happy with the result... I had killed Connor of in the worst way i could think off and it was cathartic... But were i hoped it would ease the hurt it didn't... Nevertheless, i felt satisfied with the ending... It was like i had killed of everything Chris and i once had... 

I am about to press send when my phone rings and i look at the screen seeing it is Seb... He keeps calling everyday... Once in the morning and once in the evening... I sigh and know i have to pick up at some point... I know i have to talk to him let him know i am save and alright... 

I sigh and pick up the phone... "Hey..." I say and the line is silent... "You picked up..." I hear a shocked sounding Seb say after a few seconds and i sigh... "Yeah i did... Sorry i didnt sooner... I just needed some time..." I say and he sighs... "How are you doing? Abd better yet where are you...?" He says as i hear the chaos in the background... "Oh i am doing just great... Nothing but rainbow and sunshine..." I say sarcastically and roll my eyes as if he can see that... "Neve..." He says and i groan... 

"I feel like my heart is ripped out of my chest... Is that what you want to hear... I dived in with whole my heart giving him my all... And he in not even gone a month... A month... Seb a fucking month... He throws everything we had away for something that according to him meant nothing...  Ripping my hear out of my chest... It hurts... It hurts so much and no... I am not okay but i will be, i have just finished a book and before i am going home i will go on a book tour... And to were i am... I am not telling anyone... I want to be alone... I dont want him showing up here" I rant to him through the phone, and he groans... 

"No that is not what i wanted to hear... I want you happy and i am sorry that you are not... But Chris..." He starts to say and i feel my anger rise... "I am going to stop you right there... I dont want to talk about him... I want to forget about him... The last 6 months never happened..." I say sternly and Seb sighs. "Can you do me a favor though?" I ask and he hums... "Can you tell Chris to stop calling me... I am not going to pick up... No matter how many times he calls..." I say and he hums again... All of a sudden i hear Chris in the background and it is like someone punched me in the stomach... "I have to go..." I mumble and while Seb starts to protest i hang up running to the toilet throwing up again... 

When i have cleaned myself up and brushed my teeth i walk back to my desk sit down and look at the send button... I am hovering the cursor over it and take a deep breath and click it and it is done... No way back the book is going to be out there... I decide to take a bath and walk back to the bathroom and start the tub and i grab my bath soap but when i am about to put it in i pull a face as the sent is foul... I dont understand i used to love my bath soap... Maybe i link it to Chris and it is now tainted for me... 

I sigh and grab my body wash putting that in and make a mental note to pick up some new stuff when i go back into town... While i wait for the tub to fill up i make myself a snack and grab myself something to drink... I sigh and my phone goes off again but i ignore it because it is either Seb, Chris, Scott or my publisher and i am not in the mood to deal with any of them... My stomach is acting up again and it is starting to annoy me because i want it to stop... I find it ridiculous that this heartbreak is making me physically sick...

I lower myself in the hot water and let out a big sigh... I start to think what to do with my time now that i finished my book... I dont think i ever finished a book this fast... Tomorrow i have to go into town to get some more groceries... But after that i dont know... Maybe i could drive around a little bit see some more of the place i am staying at... I can hear my phone buzzing in the background and i groan...  I think it is either Seb or Chris and most likely the last one as i just talked to Seb... I know i should block his number but somehow i couldn't bring myself to it... I dont know why... It was not like i wanted to talk to him... 

I haven't even read his texts... I didn't want to it was not going to change anything... I didn't want to read all his excuses or pleas... I didn't want to read how much he loved me... I was scared that it would break me all over again... But most off all i didn't want to read that he would leave me alone... That he was giving up... "God i am so fucked up..." I mumble and sigh letting myself fully submerge in under the water...

I think that was the hardest part of this all... The fact that i still loved him... But i was going to stay firm... I am not going to talk to him... It is over and there is no way back... I was not going to make that mistake again...