Giving in... Or giving up...

Chapter 61

I wake up a with Chris wrapped around me i can see the light come through the window and i sigh... I should not have allowed it... It is only confusing me more... Although i am more comfortable than i like to admit i should not have let him get into my bed... I look up and he is asleep and i just watch him wondering where it all went wrong... Was what we had really that fragile that the first woman that came along that paid him attention was our downfall... Was there really no way back... 

I sigh as i am yet again so conflicted about him... I feel weak for even entertaining the idea of taking him back... For even entertaining the idea because seeing him still makes me weak in the knees a little voice in my head screaming at me that if he didn't care about me at all... He wouldn't be here... I feel a coward for using my baby as an excuse to lay in his arms as i am too scared to admit i am really missing him... Or maybe it is the idea of him... Fuck who knows... I just used the excuse of having to calm down so i could justify giving in just this once...

I have to think of my baby but even in that thought process you can go either way... Show them there is such a thing like forgiveness and working through issues... That there is a thing as second chances... Or show that you dont take this kind of betrayal... That you dont take shit from anyone no matter how much you love that person... I mean what if it is a girl... What kind of example would i be... What would it even look like... 

I mean could i ever trust him again...? I can't imagine a live were i always would be wondering what he is doing when i am not around... It would drive me crazy... Could i ever deal with that... Watching him walk out the door to go to work and not wonder... Or would it be torture everyday... Would i be the kind of woman snooping through his phone calling him constantly... Or would i just ignore it as long as he came home to be a dad... Do i owe it to the baby to try and be a family... Would he even want that... To be a family... All i knew for sure that no matter what i was going back to Violethill... About that i was sure... I was going to live there with the baby even if i had to fight Chris on that... Maybe i should already call a lawyer just in case...

Chris sighs in his sleep pulling me even closer to him and mumbling something in his sleep which i cannot quite understand but it sounds like he is in pain... A tear runs down his cheek and i sigh... He is crying in his sleep... God why do i feel sorry for him... Why does it hurt to see him fucking cry for something he caused... I need to get out of bed laying her with him will only make it more difficult... 

I try to get out of bed without waking him, but it is no use... As soon as i start to move he opens his eyes... "Good morning..." He whispers and i sigh taking his arm off of me and i sit up not answering him and with the sudden urge to pee i get out of bed walking into the bathroom closing the door behind me... I go to pee and wash my hands after looking in the mirror my face is tear stained and i splash some water in my face to freshen up... I lift my shirt and turn to the side looking at my belly and i smile rubbing it... "Whatever happens i already love you so much..." I mumble and i smile wondering what it will be daydreaming about a life with my little bean for a second... 

I take a deep breath and walk out of the bathroom where Chris is sitting up in bed looking at me as i walk out... I go to my closet and change into something comfortable and i can hear him get out of bed and i feel him standing in the doorway looking at me... "How far along are you?" He asks his tone soft and i sigh... "Almost 17 weeks now..." I mumble and i can feel him take in a sharp breath... "When did you find out..." He says his tone a little sharper but i ignore it and dont turn around... 

"When i was about 11 weeks..." I say and another sharp breath is being taken behind me... "Where you ever planning on telling me?" He says and i take a deep breath pausing what i am doing but not turning around... "Honestly...?" I ask him and i can feel the tension radiating of off him... "Yes..." He says and i scoff... "Honestly... I hadn't made up my mind yet... I just told my parents yesterday... But other than that, nobody knows... Not Seb... As far as i know not Scott... No one..." I said as i continued to select clothes i was going to take with me to Violethill... 

"Are you okay... Is the baby okay..." He asks the question takes me by surprise and i turn around... "The baby is good... Healthy and on schedule... Whatever that means..." I mumble... "And you?" He asks as i had ignored the question... I look away fighting the tears that are starting to sting my eyes... "Yeah i am great... On cloud nine..." I say sarcastically and i know that is not really fair because after getting used of the idea of having a baby and seeing the little one on the ultrasound i was on cloud nine... I just took me a little longer to get there... 

"Neve..." He says and i sigh... "I am good Chris... Really... Morning sickness sucked but i am fine now..." I say and he groans... "Was it bad?" He whispers and i shrug my shoulders... "I dont know... Never been pregnant before... But it was not fun... I can tell you that much..." I mumble as i keep making stacks of clothes and he chuckles... "So now what..." He asks and i sigh... "I dont know... Get fat... Give birth and be a mom... I guess..." I say stopping what i am doing and i look at him because i have no clue what he expects of me... 

"I get that... But where do i come in..." He asks and i sigh and i shrug my shoulders again... "Honestly... I have no clue..." I mumble and i feel i am about to cry again so i push past him and walk out of the closet and out of the bedroom... 

I walk to the kitchen as i need to have some breakfast anyway and i grab everything to make pancakes... I start to make the batter and Chris appears and looks at me a little in shock... "What are you doing?" He asks and i chuckle... "Making breakfast... You want some to..." I ask and he looks a little hesitant but most of all surprised... "You cook now?" He asks and i nod... "I started to teach myself... Not much delivery options out there..." I mumble and he sighs... "And where is there?" He asks... And i look up at him stopping what i am doing... 

"What i can't know where you are moving to?" He asks and i sigh... "Do you want this baby... Do you want to be in its live... Be a father... Really want that... Because that is a commitment and if you want that i won't stop you... I won't keep you from being in the baby's life... And if you dont want it that is fine to... I can do it on my own... I won't ask for anything... But then i won't tell you were i am moving to either... Because i rather keep that place free of you then... Have it be free of the ghost of you... So, i urge you... Really urge you to think about what you want because once you made a decision... There is no going back... That will be final because i rather do it alone than my kid having a flaky dad, he or she can't depend on..." I say wanting to be firm and clear... Because when it came to the little bean i was carrying i would not tolerate bullshit...