❛. 𝑩𝑳𝑶𝑵𝑫𝑰𝑬 ⸻ ᴅ. ꜱᴡɪɴɢ . ❜

𓈈▮Devante's attention ▮

ꗃ𓂃҂𓈈▬ February 30, 1992
❝Sick....sick and tired ❞

NOT EDITED

Ever felt like you regretted something? Well, I did. I regret many of the things that I said or opened up about. I told him. I told him what happened not that I ever discussed or thought of it in my life. But. It did feel good. It felt so good to open up just a little even though I regretted it.

I felt good to be away.

I don't how I felt. I didn't know how to feel. But all I could say was, I was starting to feel numb. That's how I could know nothing about how I felt. I felt completely unresponsive.

Nothing made me happy. Nothing made me sad. Nothing made me feel sympathy and nothing made me mad.

After new york. The whole flight nothing was said. I and Suge got our plane as I wanted to leave early to go back to LA. The girl seemed worried about it but all I told suge was to excuse that I wasn't feeling well and that I couldn't finish the majority of the stuff we had to do in new york while we there.

They weren't mad about it. Them getting the note that I wasn't feeling came to nothing but more worry than anger. They tried talking to me but just like my mother, I got suge to dismiss them. The calls and the visits. I didn't want to see my mother. The way I was now reminded of stuff I held deeply in made me awakened just for a while. I found myself growing very resented of her.

I knew I didn't need her Not as a mother, not as a manager, and not as someone who could pay the roof over my head. Being with Suge felt like a privilege of freedom. It felt like he was my excuse for why I was so leaned on him in the first place.

If he showed no interest in me. I would be struggling under my mother's ring for the rest of my life. Letting her control me and tell me how to feel. I was at peace...she couldn't do it anymore not to me at all.

I wouldn't let her.

Days had passed from New York. I had become a little distant not only from the girl but from Suge. When we got home from our flight, I couldn't even look into his face, from the airport to here. I felt embrassed. It was something I wasn't so open about.

I blamed only my alcoholic moment for running it for me. If only I didn't get drunk at that party...I wouldn't be in this situation. I felt humiliated that I let my numb emotions get so detached, but it felt like I only got the truth off my chest, after what happened with Devante last night I was only left with nothing but only the truth to say to Suge, hell. I knew if we went longer in that bathing, I would have ended up telling him I cheated on him with him.

I would tell out of despite of Devante and out of revenge for his unfaithfulness. But I didn't, instead, I told him something much deeper than what I didn't expect to say. Even when my emotions still felt numb there was a little regret that stirred deep down inside me not from only telling Suge about my past problems but thinking about my problems now with Devante. I regretted everything I did with him, sure it felt good at first to do it, but I found myself looking bad as much as Suge.