Sincerely, Yours

47. Homeward Bound

They left their bikes near the beach and were walking along it holding their shoes. The soft sounds of the waves were peaceful and the only thing that could make this moment perfect were if Luan could walk hand in hand with his boyfriend. 

The conversation that Thoma had last night with Charlie was weighing heavy on Luan's mind and he knew he needed to bring it up. He just didn't want to ruin the moment they were sharing. However, Thoma seemed to notice that he wasn't paying attention to their walk or the questions he was asking him.

"Hey," He said softly and reached for Luan's hand, but Luan looked around to make sure no one was watching. Seeing that they were alone at the beach he took Thoma's hand.

"What's on your mind. You seem to be distracted?" Thoma asked and stopped them from walking. Luan's wanted his initial response to be 'nothing I'm fine' but knowing that this would only lead him to blurt everything out later anyways he decided to come clean.

"Well.. I didn't really mean to, but I overheard some of your conversation last night." Luan admitted and Thoma sighed.

"I'm sorry I woke you up. Has that been bothering you?" He asked and squeezed Luan's hand. 

"Well, yeah. From what I could overhear it sounded like there's a really good opportunity for you back home and you're deciding to stay here with me instead." 

Thoma rubbed his forehead and sighed again, "Lu, I won't lie to you. There is a potential director who heard about the play through word of mouth, I'm unsure where it started. But nothing is more important to me right now than being here with you." 

Luan was getting upset now. He dropped Thoma's hand and plopped down on the sand. "This is maybe the last opportunity you'll have to get back into the life of a director. I know it's a small scale play by all accounts but what if it ends up meaning more to this director? What if he sees all the work you put into directing this play and wants to give you a chance to start from the bottom to get back to where you were? This relationship with me is just... so uncertain." Luan's voice breaks at the last words he said and his fears start to spill out of him.

Thoma sits down on the sand beside him and starts to speak but Luan interrupts him.

"I know neither one of us wants to talk about this. But we started this relationship without thinking of where it might lead. Everyone knows that a relationship only has two destinations, those being marriage or a break up. I don't know how I feel about marriage and I know I don't want to break up with you. But right now, nothing is more important to me than you being happy. If getting this opportunity is something that will change your life for the better, and you give it up for me... what if years down the line you resent me? What if we break up and you missed this chance at being a director again? I could never live with myself knowing you gave up so much for me. I could never sit comfortably in this relationship knowing that you might resent me someday for your decision."

Having finished venting Luan sat nearly panting. He felt like he'd gotten a lot off of his chest and now he anxiously waited for what Thoma had to say in response. 

"I didn't realize you'd been carrying this around with you for so long." Thoma said first and looked towards Luan with sad eyes. "You're right, this could be a really good opportunity for me and one that I might never get again. But I wasn't lying when I said all I can think about and see is you. I didn't come here out of obligation or because it is my "duty" as the boyfriend. I came here because I wanted to be near you, every day, it didn't matter where. We both are only thinking about the other person and to be honest, hearing everything you had to say right now made me so happy I feel like crying." Thoma caressed Luan's face and wiped away the tears that had formed at the corners of his eyes. "I appreciate your honesty about marriage, because I'm not ready for that either. But if me taking this opportunity is what you want for us, I will. But we need to discuss what that means for us if everything works out or nothing does."

"You mean like, what happens if you get offered a job?" Luan asked even though it was an obvious question. 

"Exactly," Thoma answered and kissed Luan's cheek. "But let's return these bikes and get back to the hotel. It's getting cold."

They walked their bikes back to where they'd rented them and picked up some more sandwiches and snacks from the store to have for dinner. 

When they'd returned home they took a shower together and once they were snuggled in bed, their hard conversation resumed.

"So," Thoma began and Luan cuddled closer into him. "So?" Luan asked and Thoma chuckled. 

"Say I get this job offer and I become a lot busier. I didn't do very well last time we couldn't see each other for a long time. What should we do?" Thoma asked and Luan knew what he wanted but he was nervous to say it out loud.

"Well, if that exact situation happens..." he started and Thoma gave a 'hmmm', "I think that maybe... I'd ask if we could live together." 

Luan could hear Thoma's heartbeat go faster and he looked up to see a wide grin on his face. He tried to mask it and simply said, "If that's what you want." Luan pinched him and Thoma laughed.

"I like that plan. We could turn the guest room into a study for you and an office for me since my desk is currently in my room." Thoma said but Luan shook his head.

"I think I want it to remain my room... if that's okay." Luan admitted and Thoma raised his chin up to meet his eyes.

"How come? You don't want to share a room and bed with me?" He asked and kissed Luan softly and then deeply. Luan's brain was turning to mush as the kiss continued and he had to make himself snap out of it. "Hey... let me explain." 

Thoma pursed his lips but waited for Luan to continue. "I think it would be healthier for both of us. I mean, I can get really in my head sometimes and in those moments, I need to be by myself. But if we shared a room, I'd be kicking you out of it and that would make me feel worse. So I think having my own space with my own stuff would be best for me personally. Is that okay?" 

Thoma nodded and hugged Luan closer to him. "You're right. That's probably the best option for that scenario. Okay.." Thoma's voice got serious, "What if the job opportunity is somewhere far away. What if I have to move?" 

Luan bit his lip. The thought of not being able to show up at Thoma's house and see him anytime made him sad but this was a likely thing that could happen. 

"Well, I guess in that case we'd have to do long distance." Luan said and Thoma nodded above him. "You could visit on long weekends and bring your school. We could.. make that work." Thoma answered but they both knew they were less excited about this idea.

"Okay then, last scenario. I don't get the job and have to remain where I'm at. But you have always planned to move back to Japan. What then?" 

The silence that hung in the air felt suffocating. Luan had never had any other plan for himself than to move back home after finishing school. He felt completely overwhelmed with the lack of options they had in this scenario. 

Finally Luan said softly, "We'll have to break up and probably never see each other again."