Sincerely, Yours

33. We should talk

"You know when I first started seeing you come to the coffee shop, I had a crush on you," Luan admitted to Thoma. They were freshly showered after their intense love making and were cuddled together in Thomas bed.

"Hmm... really? How come?" Thoma mumbled against Luans hair. He hadn't been able to take his hands off of Luan for a single second after they had sex. He felt a new kind of longing and obsession he'd never experienced with anyone, not even his ex wife. It was all consuming.

"I'm not sure. Obviously I was attracted to your looks," he admitted which made Thoma chuckle, "but I think I started to notice you more once you talked about directing. I'm not even sure how we got on the topic of your old job, but I remember your face when you talked about it. It was insanely attractive to me how passionate you were and I wanted you to keep telling me all about it."

Thoma sighed and Luan looked up at him. "Will you tell me what happened with your directing career?"

Thoma felt uncomfortable being vulnerable in front of Luan, especially sharing his worst moments. But he also knew he was different now because of Luan and he trusted that he wouldn't judge him for his past.

"I was set to direct a really big movie, one that actually did pretty well even after I was fired," Thoma began, "Ellie... my ex wife was cast as the lead role for it. During filming I'd gotten really close with the producer and she in turn also got to know him." At this Thoma paused and Luan could feel the air shift between them. He held onto Thoma tighter.

"Well long story short I uhh... walked in on them kissing and undressing each other in her trailer." Thoma said and a pit rose in his stomach. He had less than any affection left for Ellie and what she had done, but his anger was still there deep down. He'd only managed to suppress it and keep it contained but now bringing it up reminded him of how completely betrayed and humiliated he had been. 

"Thoma, if it's too hard to talk about don't worry," Luan assured him but Thoma shook his head and looked down at him. His eyes softened and his anger was reduced to a dull roar. Luan was so good to him and if that hadn't happened in the past, he would've never got to know him.

"I guess everything does happen for a reason." Thoma thought contentedly before continuing his story.

"I beat the producer up. My vision went red and my hands just started flying. I-I think I might've broken a few of his bones, I don't think I'd ever felt that upset and helpless," Thoma said with no emotion. "Anyways, of course a bunch of drama and even media bombarded the film set and I was fired from my position as the director."

Thoma was looking away towards the wall, absentmindedly twisting the sheets in his hand.

"Did the producer or your ex wife lose their positions?" Luan asked quietly. The look in Thomas eyes confirmed his answer.

"Anyways afterwards I decided to move close to Charlie, or more like, he told me to come here and I did. I got a job at an accounting firm and have been there for six years now. That's everything up until I met you," Thoma finished with a deep breath.

"So that's why you were kind of a dick to me when we first met," Luan joked to ease the tension and Thoma looked at him with a smirk.

"Yeah, I was in a terrible place for a long time. You were also super fun to mess with," Thoma admitted and Luan sighed with relief. He seemed to be feeling fine again.

Luan pinched him and they laughed together.

"Okay so I told you my big ugly past. Are you willing to tell me about yours?" Thoma asked, careful to ensure Luan understood he was allowed to say no.

Luan bit his lip while he thought. Of course he wanted Thoma to know everything about him, especially about what made him the way he was today. But all the same he was worried. Luan didn't like who he used to be, how little self respect he had and how much he hated himself in the past. But just like how Thoma had admitted his not-so-rosy past, he too wanted to show Thoma he trusted him. 

"I don't know where I should start," Luan mumbled and Thoma hugged him tightly. 

"Wherever is comfortable. All I'm asking is to get to know YOU and that includes who you were. You don't have to tell me about your exes or family unless it's important to who you are now."

"Well... I guess I-I will start with my freshmen year at college," Luan started and Thoma nodded. "I was dating Mikey at the time and we'd been dating since high school. Umm..." Luan started to feel sweaty and readjusted his position in Thoma's arms but didn't dare let him go.

"I was intending on majoring in Drama and Theater and that was actually my favorite class. My teacher at the time and I got along really well and I'd stay after class to talk to him. Anyways one day I was asking my teacher, who had been a struggling actor, about how to fake chemistry while shooting a scene with someone you don't know well and he... well he showed me in a manner of speaking. Mikey had come early to pick me up and saw and well.... we already weren't doing well as a couple. He seemed to just be looking for another reason to throw a fit." Luan felt like his words were unintelligible he was spitting them out so quickly. He felt completely vulnerable and a little sick telling this story to someone so important to him.

"Mikey spun this wild story of my professor essentially raping me and well that was it. They didn't give him a chance to defend himself and though I tried I couldn't help him. I've never been sure if my professor was making a pass at me, he'd never given me that impression. But it's not like I think the answer would make me feel better about it all," Luan finally took a breath and waited anxiously for Thoma to comment. 

"You broke up with Mikey after that then?" Thoma asked quietly and Luan leaned up to look at his face. It was unreadable. 

"Officially, yeah. I'd tried countless times before but he gaslighted me into believing all the things he did weren't actually that bad." Luan admitted and Thoma sighed deeply.

"I-I'm sorry.." Luan said defensively. He felt like he had wronged Thoma somehow and it made a pit form in his stomach.

"Why are you sorry, Lu?" Thoma asked softly and brought him back into his side. "I was just sad that you let someone treat you like that for so long." 

Tears formed automatically in Luan's eyes and he hid his face in the crook of Thoma's neck. "Ahh, my sweet lover," Thoma cooed and rubbed Luan's back while he cried softly.

"I think that's enough sharing for today, hmmm?" Thoma softly brought Luan's face into view. He softly kissed Luan's eyelids and nose. 

"Let's order some food and watch a movie, okay?" Thoma asked and Luan nodded.

"I wish everyday could be like this. Exactly like this," Luan said softly and Thoma kissed him deeply. 

"Well if everyday was like this, it wouldn't be as special, hmm?" Thoma teased and Luan pinched him. 

Just then Luan's phone rang from the other room and he hurried to get it. 

"Hello?" 

"Hello, is this Mr. Luan Hasake?" a voice asked.

"This is, sir." 

"This is Officer Kindel from the XXX police station. We have Mr. Mikael Foster-Greer in custody and would like you to come down to the station to answer some questions."