Kpop Sickfics / Hurtfics

🐺 Han - Self-harm

// TW: mentions of self-harm, depression, suicide //
Please don't read, if you're in a fragile mental state, take care of yourself

~ Han's POV ~

Nothing feels worse than emptiness. I'm no stranger to sadness, but this state is way worse.

I tried everything to combat it: therapy, another form of therapy, medication, movement, deleting social media. But nothing works.

I guess I'll be like this forever.

Sometimes, the empty feeling becomes too much, and I have to feel something, anything. And one thing that makes me hurt, physically and emotionally, is self-harm.
I despise myself for doing it, but I can not stop. It's an addiction, truly.

Nowadays, I can't go 24 hours without cutting myself. Every time, I feel some sort of euphoria for a few seconds, then I'm left with regret, and blood to clean up.

Thankfully, it's the end of autumn, so I don't have to wear short sleeves. I can now hide.

- Guys, we will start preparing for the next comeback. It will be in the beginning of summer, so the concept is fun, whimsical, flowery. Tomorrow, we will shoot concept photos, and then... - I dreaded this moment.

Summer comeback always means short, flowy clothes. We very rarely get to cover up during these photoshoots.

- Jisung? Are you with us? - Our manager looked at me with annoyance. I quickly nodded. - So repeat what I just said.

- Uh, our next comeback is a summery one, and we will shoot photos tomorrow. - I said. His annoyed expression turned into anger.

- See, that's what I hate about you, you never listen! I said, that tomorrow, only Chan, Hyunjin, Minho and you will shoot. The others will go the day after that! - Tears started forming in my eyes, and I turned away, as he hated seeing us cry.

The rest of the meeting went by, and I was still shaken up by his angry response. When he left, I immediately went to my room, and locked myself into my bathroom.

I exited 30 minutes later, with my sleeves bloody, my arms stinging with pain, my head dizzy and ears ringing. I didn't bother to clean the wounds today, I immediately laid down onto my bed, and fell asleep.

Why can't I have a healthy coping mechanism? Why do I need to destroy my own body?

~ 1 day time skip ~

We were in the car, heading to the studio. I hoped that something would come up, so I could miss this.

But I couldn't run forever. I just prayed, that I would get a long-sleeved outfit.

After we arrived, we got to see the set. It was truly beautiful: a green field, with flowers and fake butterflies, and a sunset as a backdrop. It was whimsical and fairy-like.

But the outfits... most of them were tank tops, or made from mesh: none of them would cover my scars.

My heart dropped, although none of this was that surprising. I knew that my secret would be found out sooner than later, but I wasn't ready to face it. Not right now.

- Jisung, come on, let's get ready! - My makeup artist called to me, he must've seen my lost expression. I sat down on the chair, and fell back into my thoughts.

What will the managers say? Or my members? Will I be sent to a hospital? Will they be mad? Sad? Confused?

Will they even care?