Kpop Sickfics / Hurtfics

🐺 Felix - Given My All - Part 2

// TW: contains mentions of an eating disorder//

~ Felix' POV ~

Nobody told me that it would be this hard.

I knew recovery wouldn't be easy. Your mind is plagued with these disordered thoughts, and you are convinced, that you are doing some horrendous thing by eating.

You are not.

Your body needs food, however it's hard to accept it, when your life for the past few months or years has been about the opposite.

~

-Felix, breakfast is ready! – I was awake for hours before this. I was doing push-ups. It's not easy to give up on these habits. – Ah, you're so sweaty, how come? – Chan was my safe person, he was helping me through all.

- Nothing, it's just hot inside...

- No, it's not. Have you been exercising? Please, don't lie... - I saw it in his eyes, he knew what I was doing.

- Yeah... I'm so sorry... - I hid my face in my hands, I didn't want to be weak. I felt him hugging me.

- I'm not mad, okay? I know it's hard to let go of these habits. Thank you for being honest. Come on, let's eat. – I followed him to the kitchen. The table was set for two people, the others already left. I sat down, and he placed the plate in front of me.

A toast with butter, some scrambled eggs, and veggies. My mind already started doing the math, when Chan touched my hand.

- Don't count. It's nutritious, it had everything you need for the morning, and that's what matters. – He was right of course, but that didn't stop my mind to determine, that this was too much. I grabbed my fork, my hands were shaking, but I somehow managed to pick up a slice of cucumber.

I lifted it to my mouth.

Don't eat it.

I opened my mouth.

Too much!

I placed it on my tongue.

You can't eat in the morning!

I chewed it up.

You can still spit it out.

I swallowed it. I did it.

It's so stereotypical, crying over a plate of food, but sometimes, that's how I eat. As soon as I swallowed that slice of cucumber, I placed down my fork.

- I don't think I can...

- Yes, you can. You already started, that was the hardest part. – Chan reassured me. He grabbed the fork, and placed it back into my hands. – You don't have to eat the whole thing. Just taste each thing, okay?

I picked at the food, and finally, decided to continue. I eat a small bite from everything. It was hard, the voice was screaming at me, and my tears made the world blurry.

You can always throw it up later.

I pushed the plate away from me. I grabbed a tissue to wipe my face, and looked up at Chan. He was smiling at me.

- Good job. I know how hard it must be, but you did it.

I nodded, and quickly left the table. I slammed my door behind me, and collapsed to the floor. I can't believe I ate breakfast. I never do that.

I crawled to the bathroom. I needed to get rid of it. I can't let go of my process.

Someone suddenly swung my door open. Chan was staring at me, his eyes filled with tears and worry.

- Don't do that, Felix. Stop it. You've come so far. – He slowly lifted me from the ground, and led me back to my bed. I was shaking in his arms, from the crying and hunger.

- I'm... sorry... - I sobbed. I knew I failed this time.

- Listen to me. Setbacks and relapses happen, they are part of the process. What matters is how you react to them. Do you give up and fall into those bad habits? Or do you get up, dust yourself off and keep climbing? You are not someone who gives up.

He held me until I calmed down. We went back to the living room, and watched movies until I finally felt okay enough to be on my own.

Day one was done.

~ 2-week time skip ~

Is it easier? Not really.

Am I able to withstand the urge to relapse? Barely.

But I'm doing better.

I'm not well, by any means, but I'm better. I can enjoy tastes again, I can be left alone after meals and I have the strength to dance for a bit.

The one huge struggle, is calorie counting. It's automatic at this point. I see food – I count the calories. This makes meal times so much harder.

- Dinner time, come on! – Jisung looked into my room, and waited for me. We went to the dining room together, and sat down. On the table I saw teokbokki, steamed veggies, rice and pork cutlets.

I took a deep breath, and put some rice and veggies on my plate. I knew I probably needed to eat some meat, but I was not ready. This was already so much more than I usually eat.

- Eat well. – I grabbed my chopsticks, and took a bite. Then another one. And a third one.

- Ah, our Bokkie is eating so well, I'm so happy!

The table went silent. It was a rule, that they wouldn't comment on me eating, since it made me immensely uncomfortable.

I put down the food, and slowly stoop up. I already felt the tears gathering in my eyes, and I couldn't stop them. I left the dining room, but I could only make it halfway through the corridor, before falling to the floor, trembling from crying.

- Shit, Hyunjin, I told you to leave him alone, when he's eating! – I heard from the kitchen. I felt someone caressing my back, and stroking my hair. I leaned into their touch, and finally found comfort. They whispered encouraging words to me, but all I could hear, was the small voice telling me, that I'm getting fat and they are noticing it.

- Let's lay down, okay? – I walked into my room, and went to sleep without changing clothes.

Will this ever get easier?

~ 1 month time skip ~

It does get easier. It's still not easy, but easier.

I'm eating twice a day, and allow myself to have a soda once in a while.

I'm attending therapy regularly, and I'm told, that I'm making great progress.

Sometimes, when I look back, I still have the occasional "what if?" in my head, but I know, that I was very ill then. I was not "better" or "fine": I was sick, and miserable.

I'm still having a hard time just eating, and I carried some habits with me: I eat in small bites, and drink two or three glasses of water during a meal. But I'm on the right track.

I am recovering.

Finally.