Kpop Sickfics / Hurtfics

🐺 Felix - Given My All - Part 1

// TW: contains mentions of an eating disorder, depression //

~ Felix's POV ~

I have given my all.

I gave my youth just so I could entertain people.

And yet, I'm not good enough.

I was never good enough.

Untalented. Visual hole. Ugly. Fat.

These were comments I've read every day. Thousands of them were sent to me, and I don't know how to deal.

I have been working tirelessly on my dancing and singing technique. I dyed my hair a different color. I started a new skincare routine.

But they wouldn't stop.

Maybe it's my weight. Maybe I am too fat.

Maybe I really should consider dieting.

~

The company appreciated my idea of going on a diet. I was in no way overweight, but they gave me all the resources I need to start losing weight.

And that I did. Rapidly.

People began complimenting me more. How my body is more toned, how my moves were more graceful. There were some worried voices, concerned about my dieting choices, but I tuned them out.

I started being finally good enough.

~

It's been two months since I began my diet. At first, I lost so much weight quickly, but then, it hit a plateau. My weight stayed consistent.

I needed to make some changes. I lowered my daily calorie intake, I worked out every day, I went for a run in the morning, and...

It hurt me to my core, but sometimes, when I went over my limit for the day, I make myself throw up. I was ashamed of this, but I needed to stay on track.

I couldn't stop. I did not want to stop.

Now I hit a point, where I would eat one meal a day, mostly in the afternoon, drink only water, and when I wasn't sleeping or practicing, I was working out. I had a feeling that I was pushing myself too far, but I crossed the line a long time ago.

To be honest, I was tired. Deep down I knew I wasn't healthy, but on the surface, I was getting more and more comments on my weight loss.

I wasn't being called fat anymore.

I was told by fans to rest, eat well and to take care of myself.

In my eyes, I was taking care of myself. I was getting better for them.

~

I don't need help. People keep insisting that I need to see a therapist.

Bullshit. I was fine.

There was not a second in a day where I wasn't thinking about food or how I could burn even more calories.

I was now eating two times a week. I was terrified of touching food, liquids that weren't water, I was even rejecting medicine, in case it had calories in it. Even if I ate something, I felt overwhelmed by panic, and I needed to throw it up.

I was now too weak to dance for more than 30 minutes. I knew it was because I was malnourished, but I didn't care. While the others were practicing, I was sitting on the floor, thinking about how I could burn calories while sitting.

My members were always next to me, trying to force food down my throat. They wanted to make me fat and disgusting, so I isolated myself from them. I barely left my room, and when I did, I tried to ignore them. It broke my heart, but I needed to keep going.