Kpop Sickfics / Hurtfics

🚗 Sunoo - Why Me?

// TW: mentions of disordered eating //

~ Sunoo's POV ~

I think I'm a good person. I never intentionally hurt anyone, I'm always working hard to better myself, and I help wherever I can. Many people, idols and fans alike, noted, how sweet and caring my personality was, and I was proud to be called Sunshine amongst Engenes.

But lately, I started to believe that something was wrong with me. I started getting huge amounts of hate, all at once, and I couldn't really escape them. I tried using social media as rarely as possible, post less selfies, and interact only with my members. But the hate didn't stop.

- Guys, we did a really nice job this week. – We had our weekly meeting in the dining room, and Jungwon was talking. – We deserve some rest. I was thinking we could go out to this new restaurant in the neighborhood, they have private rooms, so we could be at peace.

The whole team was happy about the prospect of trying out a new restaurant, and dining in public, without cameras surrounding us. I was the only one, who didn't react.

- Sunoo, is there something wrong? Do you not like that restaurant?

- No, I'm just really tired, I think I'll just stay home. But you guys, please have fun, and eat well. – I faked a smile. Honestly, I really was tired. I couldn't get much sleep; my mind couldn't catch a break from the hate. Plus, many of the comments were about my weight, so I thought, skipping dinner wouldn't hurt anyways. That's what I kept telling myself these past few days, in hopes of losing some weight, fast.

- Are you sure? I heard, they make great street food. – Jake tried to convince me, but I already made up my mind. The others got ready, and headed out. I was left alone with nothing, but my thoughts. I stayed there, in the dining room, and took out my phone. Management advised me to not go onto social media, but I couldn't stop myself.

Hate was like an addiction.

Scrolling through the posts, watching all the videos, and reading all the comments, I felt myself crying.

"He's a fat pig, and that's all he ever will be."

"I bet he's secretly a bully, and everyone hates him."

"He's lazy and untalented. Ew."

I kept going, until I saw a petition: Remove Sunoo from Enhypen. It was created 10 minutes ago, and it already had more than 7 000 signatures.

That was the last straw. I dropped my phone, and started crying. Soon enough, crying turned into sobbing, trembling turned into shaking, and small gasps for air turned into hyperventilation.

I was having a panic attack.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to call my hyungs, or a manager, but at that point, my mind truly convinced me, that everyone despised me, and wouldn't care if I was gone. When they get home, they would probably be glad, that they're rid of me.

So, I just sat there, suffering, waiting for it to end, one way or another.

That's when my phone rang. Jay hyung.

I didn't want to answer. They must've seen that petition, and decided that I was indeed dragging them down. I kicked my phone further away, and finally started to calm down a bit.

I didn't even notice, but I was hyperventilating for more than 10 minutes at that point. I felt light-headed and dizzy, my hands and legs went numb, and the trembling didn't go away. I slid down from the chair, onto the floor, and laid on my back. I closed my eyes, and waited. After a few minutes, I fell asleep finally.

I awoke to a loud bang. Then another one. And another one. It came from the entry way.

Was the house getting broken into? Was I in danger? Did some of the online hate pages find my address, and are here now to confront me? All these thoughts came into my mind, before the obvious one: my members were back from their dinner.

I slowly approached the wooden door, and peaked outside. I was met with Ni-ki's face staring back at me.

- Yeah, I called him almost 10 times, but he doesn't pick up. Maybe he's just asleep? But still...

- Well, what do we do then? Not my fault, that Heeseung hyung left the keys in the car, so we can't get in.

So, that's what happened. I got the spare keys, and opened the door for them.

- Finally, what took... - Jungwon looked into my eyes, and I think he saw pain staring back at him. His words got stuck in his throat.

- What's going on? Can you move, Jungwon, we want to come inside! – The others played annoyance. Jungwon was still looking deep into my eyes, and then he understood.

- What did you see? Did you go online again? – He asked me, quietly, so the others wouldn't hear us. I nodded, and buried my face into my hands.

- Oh, but we told you not to. It's awful there right now. – He hugged me tightly, and caressed my back. The others were staring at us, confused. I couldn't help, but let out a small whimper.

- You guys are so cute, aww! – Sunghoon exclaimed, but then he saw my tears. – Oh, god, what happened?

- He went online. – Jungwon answered, still in a low voice. The others sighed, and shook their heads. Sunghoon approached us, and placed his hand on my back.

- Sunoo, none of those things are true, you know that? You are very talented, needed and loved. Enhypen wouldn't be the same without you.

I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't concentrate. My stomach started to hurt in an awful way: I haven't eaten in 4 days at this point. A loud grumbling sound gave it away.

- Are you hungry, hyung? Why didn't you come with us then? – Ni-ki asked.

- I don't want to eat. – I whispered, so only Jungwon could hear me. He held me closer, and whispered back.

- What they are saying about your appearance is bullshit, and it's not true in any way. You deserve food, Sunoo, just like any human being. Don't go down that path, it's a dangerous game. Come on, let's eat. We brought some food for you.

He guided me to the dining room, and placed a few takeaway boxes in front of me. Some of my members got snacks for themselves, so I wouldn't feel so weird eating alone.

I looked at them with tears in my eyes, but the sadness in my heart started to slowly fade away. I didn't need anyone else's approval, when I have my members' love.