Kpop Sickfics / Hurtfics

🐯 Seungkwan - The Weight I Carry

// TW: bad mental health, panic attack, suicidal thoughts//
Please don't read if you're in a fragile mental state, take care of yourself

~Seungkwan's POV ~

I love helping others, I truly do. And others love coming to me for help. I will always do my best, even if it means I won't have time for my own problems. 

We are so close with Seventeen, they are treally my second family. We share everything with each other, and we find comfort in each other. I wouldn't have it any other way.

But nowadays, I feel like I'm the emotional dumpster for my team. Basically everyone comes to me with their heartbreaks and anxieties, and I can't turn them away. I'm always there, I give advice or I just listen. I know everyone's problems.

But no one knows mine.

It's gotten to the point where during the day, I spend all my time helping the others, and ignore my own worries. But at nighttime, they always come out to haunt me. I'm having trouble sleeping because of my thoughts. My awful, stupid thoughts. Sometimes I have to hit myself on the head to make them stop.

Today was no different. During breakfast, I listened to Mingyu, and how the online toxicity is affecting him. During the car ride to the dance studio, Jihoon told me about his problems with his creative block and subsequent depression. During our lunch break, Jun confided in me with his problems with homesickness, and asked for advice.

No one asked me how I was. No one asked me if something is troubling me. I just sat there listening, giving half-hearted advice.

As we arrived home, I immediately headed to my room, when Joshua grabbed my hand.

- Boo, can I talk with you? - He looked sad and tired. But so did I.

- Maybe later, I'm really tired. - I pulled my hand away, but he didn't let go.

- I really need this, Seungkwan. I don't know what to do... - He looked miserable, and normally, I'd gladly help him. But I really felt like I'd combust, if I had to listen to one more sad story.

- I told you, I'm tired! - I yanked my hand away, turned around and shut the door behind me. Not even 30 seconds later, Seungcheol stepped into my room, followed by a teary-eyed Joshua.

- Apologise right now, Seungkwan. You can't talk to your elder like that. He only asked you to talk, I don't see how that's so offensive to you.

- I'm sorry, but I told him that I'm tired! I just want to sleep, I can talk with him tomorrow! - I was tearing up too, I couldn't help it. Was I really nothing more to them, than a therapist?

They both sighed, Joshua rolled his eyes, and left the room. I stood there, stunned, tears flowing like a river. I don't even remember how I got to bed, but somehow I fell asleep.

Maybe tomorrow will be better...

~

It wasn't. Seungcheol and Joshua must've told the others about our little fight, because they were all ignoring me. I tried talking with them, but they all turned away, and looked through me. This went on for the whole day.

Is this how they repay me? Is this how they thank me for my hours and hours of listening, giving advice and wiping their tears?

When evening came, I didn't even try to talk to them, I fell silent. I couldn't even cry, it was that painful. I just stared ahead of myself, not reacting to anything.

I really don't matter to them, do I? The minute I stop being their therapist, I'm ignored. Maybe I shouldn't even be in the team at all...

These thoughts kept torturing me during our ride home. When we stepped inside our dorm, I didn't even take my shoes off, I hurried into my room. And there, I finally had enough.