Summertime Sadness (The Lost Souls on Tour: The Third Tour)

Stage 20

Stage 20 

Hindi ko siya hinatid palabas o kahit hinatid ng tingin paalis ng araw na iyon. Kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na may kakaunting parte na gusto siyang pigilan, hindi ko pa rin ginawa dahil ayaw ko'ng maging makasarili at ipahamak pa siya. 

I never saw him again in person after that. Nag-uusap kami sa cellphone. Nagv-video call minsan. But then, I somehow refuse to talk to him sometimes because I don't want to bother him. Alam ko na busy siya sa school at ayaw ko naman na dagdagan pa iyon kaya naman ako na ang nagkukusa na lumayo. 

Miraculously, no one got harmed that night of arson. I'm not sure what happened but their houses almost got vanished due to the fire yet most of them are left unharmed. I was thankful for that, really. I am happy that they are all fine and I do really understand if they choose to...leave. 

Kumalat na sa lugar ang banta sa aming buhay pati na rin ang sunog sa hacienda na napatunayang sinadya at hindi aksidente. Dahil doon, marami sa mga trabahador namin ang pinili na bitawan ang trabaho sa amin. It was a big loss to us yet we can't blame them. 

 It is proven that the fire was an accident but many people are still claiming that it was an arson. Kahit naman kami ay gano'n ang paniniwala pero hindi namin alam kung bakit ang natuklasan ng mga pulis ay aksidente. Kahit pa na maraming nagsabi na amoy na amoy ang gas sa paligid, iba pa rin ang nasa imbestigasyon ng mga pulis. 

"Malaki na ang tiyan ko..." Mommy said while caressing her belly. She smiled at me. "Mukhang kailangan ko na magpa-check up para sa ultrasound."

I tried to smile back at her despite the tiring feeling I am trying to hide. "May madadala po ba ang doctor niyo pagbisita rito?"

She smiled sadly at me as she shook her head. "Wala rin si Dr. Jimenez ngayon. Kaya baka...magpunta ako sa bayan para sa checkup."

My eyes widened a bit. "H-Hindi po ba delikado?"

She sighed heavily. "Delikado...pero dalawang buwan na naman ang nakakalipas at mukha namang hindi magpaparamdam ang kabilang pamilya. Hindi rin naman ako magtatagal at checkup lang talaga bago ay uuwi na."

I sighed anxiously as I nodded my head. "Sasamahan ko na lang po kayo."

It's been two months since the arson and death threat happened. Pagkatapos ng malaking gulo na 'yon, bahagyang tumahimik ang lahat sa buhay namin ngunit hindi pa rin namin makuha na mapanatag. 

And also, the last time I heard, kuya and Ate Levi have broken up already. 

My father and kuya Zeus are busy with something these days. Hindi ako sigurado kung naghahanap ba sila ng paraan para mapabagsak ang pamilya na 'yon o ano. But I know my mother already told my father about what I am trying to say last time. About the wicked doings and power that we aren't wielding yet. Hindi ko na rin kasi nabanggit iyon ulit dahil pakiramdam ko, nadadala lang din ako ng galit dahil sa mga nangyayari. 

We can't all deny that in the midst of suffering, anger is the only thing that we hold on to in order to survive everything and live. Kumakapit tayo sa galit, dahil galit ang siyang nagpapakita ng pagiging matatag habang ang pag-iyak na sa iba ay isang senyales ng...kahinaan. 

Suriel Zephyrus Avila: can i call, please?

Napatitig ako nang mabasa ang message ni Suriel saktong pagkahiga ko sa aking kama. I bit my lower lip as I closed my eyes tightly. He has been putting too much effort just so we could talk even only for minutes. But I am the one who is now...growing colder in our relationship. 

Hindi ko alam. Pakiramdam ko hindi kami bagay. Pakiramdam ko wala ako'ng maidudulot na maganda sa relasyon namin. Yes, I want him so much. I love him that I could give up everything for him. But I don't feel him being safe with me. Na pakiramdam ko, dinadamay ko lang siya sa gulo ng aking buhay.