Fathered By A Vampire- Part 1: The Vampire Child Series

Chapter 26- Giving My Life Meaning

TRIGGER WARNINGS: SUICIDAL IDEATIONS; SUICIDAL ATTEMPTS; MENTIONS OF SELF HARM; PARENTAL ABUSE; PARENTAL NEGLECT

Damon knocked on Dean's door while leaning on the threshold. Sam and Dean both looked up at him.

"May I come in," Damon asked.

"Sure," Dean said, watching Sam get up.

"I'll leave you two alone," Sam said, walking out of the room.

Damon sat down on the chair at Dean's desk.

"I know you think I'm being unfair, but I promise I just want you to be okay. Lately, you've been working yourself to the bone, Dean..."

"Do you know why," Dean asked, turning to face him, "Why I work so hard when I can?"

"No but I would like to," Damon said.

"When I'm not useful then I'm useless," Dean said, "If I'm not hunting or saving people, then my life has no meaning..."

"Who told that bull," Damon sneered.

"Did someone have to tell me," Dean asked, "Nobody wants a grown man that has ADHD that can't do anything good with himself!"

"Did he tell you this," Damon asked, talking about John.

"He didn't have to," Dean said softly.

"Dean, are you happy? Truly?"

"What? Are you suggesting that I'm suicidal," Dean asked with a scoff.

"Are you? I mean the way you run towards danger so blindly isn't normal. Yes, Dean, you are a hero but I'm not so sure that's a good thing. Not when you're so quick to die as one," Damon said.

Dean shook his head, slightly annoyed with his reasoning. He knew Damon was right. He just didn't care to hear it.

"And you think you know me so well," Dean asked, his tone becoming aggressive.

"I know a fellow self-harmer when I see one..."

Dean's eyes softened towards him.

"You?"

Damon gave a small nod. He took a deep breath while wondering how he planned to explain himself.

"My dad... He, uh, he used to beat his kids, but it wasn't the beating that hurt me the worst. It was when I couldn't protect my brothers. So I developed a strategy every time my father came home. My plan was if Stefan makes my father mad, then I have to do something so much worse," Damon explained.

Dean knitted his eyebrows. He wanted to ask about the way he spoke of multiple brothers, but he also wanted Damon to finish his story.

"Over time that mindset branded itself in my brain. Even as a vampire, I subconsciously kept it going," Damon continued, "If Stefan was a ripper, then I have to be naturally manipulative and cold. If Stefan hurts someone, I have to kill. I always bad so he could be good because that's how I raised myself. In return, I was left... Lonely."

"Did you try to kill yourself as a vampire," Dean asked, his voice low.

"Many times. Periods of depression would lead me to jumping off a bridge, or trying to stake myself. Somehow I seemed to miss every time. And that just pissed me off more," Damon said, "Because why did I deserve to live? I did my job and became the bad guy so I should be dead, right? No one wants a vampire with anger issues living with them."