How To Love

chapter eleven

I was going for brunch at Ethos with my mother. She called yesterday to make the arrangements and luckily, I was free to see her. Since it was a Sunday, I went to church first, which started at 8 and ended at 10:30. Now, I was on my way to Rosebank where she was already waiting for me.

I was wearing a black poplin dress with a gathered hem and a thin waist belt, clear slip on heels, with a new bob, middle part weave laid in, and the Marc Jacobs tote bag.

The waiter showed me to my mother's table when I arrived, and she got up to give me a hug in greeting. She too looked stunning, and smelled good too.

"My darling daughter, you look happy, I suppose marriage is treating you well?" She said in our language.

"Hello mother, I am happy. You suppose right," I still have not been honest with my parents, mostly so they don't worry about me. In their mind, this was not an exile, and while I didn't think like that in the beginning, I realised now that there was more good from this union than there ever was bad.

"I'm glad. It worried me sick that we might have been sending you into the lion's den, but we trusted Molifi's judgement and hoped that all shall go accordingly," my mother said, eyes full with unshed tears. I reached out my hand to clasp hers in comfort.

"Well, you don't have to be worried anymore. The progression in our marriage has so far been smooth. I still do not agree with how things began, but I've chosen to accept the situation as is, and make the best out of it," I told her honestly. I still resented that I married Thuso the way I did. Sure, I was never going to give him a chance to right his wrongs had he come any other way, and I'm sure I wouldn't feel as light as I am right now had this marriage not happened, so in the same breath, I was grateful for this union.

"Aw my child, you've grown so well. It has only been a month and yet I can see the tremendous change this marriage has on you. I guess yours was written in the stars for real," she said. Again with that phrase, now it was time I questioned it head on.

"What exactly does that mean? That we were written in the stars?" I asked her, hoping she wouldn't dodge the question.

"You know how Molifi is spiritual right? When he proposed the idea of your marriage to his son to your father and I, he told us about the visions he has had about the two of you. He also said that he had went to consult too, just so his visions were not deceiving him into believing what he'd always wished to be true. And there, it was confirmed about your union. Along with it, came the foretell of your marriage, that in order for the vision to actualise, you'll need encouragement, and in your case, arranged marriage was the best course of action, considering your history."

I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that my life had been planned out for me so clearly. I'm a Christian, who believes that yes, my life was planned out before me. But I also believed in free will, that I could choose which path I wanted to take. But when things were like this, it felt like I had no choice, like even if I tried to resist my feelings, they'll grow in spite of what I did. Which to me, felt like my free will was taken away from me. I know they wouldn't pair me with someone detrimental to my future, but it felt like a laugh in the face that I was supposed to put my trust and entire life into the hands of someone who was detrimental in my past.

It was a lot to unpack and deal with, and I didn't know how I was going to deal with it. Will Lerato's advice of letting things flow, putting zero resistance to the order of things be the best course of action, or should I damn everyone and do as my heart desires?

You and I both know what your heart desires. My subconscious rebutted. Thuso was not wrong Friday night when he said that I was starting to like him. Even I couldn't deny this unexplainable pull I had towards him. I knew now that it was because we were soulmates, and because of my faith, I decided not to be mad about it, after all, I did believe in soulmates, and to be lucky enough to end up with mine, that wasn't something I should take lightly.

•••

I got home to a husband in an apron, chopping up veggies. The sight was both comical and attractive. While I knew Thuso could throw it down in the kitchen, he didn't do it often enough for me to be used to the sight of it.

"Good afternoon wife, how was your brunch date?" He asked with a big smile. Someone was clearly in a good mood. I placed my bag on the kitchen island and sat down on the barstool. My feet were killing me.

"Afternoon husband. The brunch was enlightening. What are you cooking?" Our meals on Sunday were usually taken care of by Mmapula, but our staff, except for security, were on leave for the weekend.

"Oh, how so? I'm cooking several colours for us to enjoy, want to help?" He quirked an eyebrow up. Any other day, I was going to agree, but I was tired today.

"Remember your father's statement about the stars and us? I got more clarification on that. Which reminds me, did you know? And my feet are sore, maybe next time," I said and he nodded

"Yes, I've known for a long time. Maybe when I was sixteen. My dad isn't the only spiritual one. I was too young and immature to accept it. If you remember, it's when my aggression towards you increased. It aggravated me that my ancestors paired me up with someone I believe I can't have, due to various reasons, outside of the fact that I bullied you," he explained, looking bashful.

Unlike most times, I didn't feel an overwhelming pain in my heart. Sure the ache was there, but it was dull when he mentioned our past. I've always been curious as to why he bullied me. Sure, it might not change things, but I thought knowing why would make me understand things better, maybe move on completely from this.

The fact that he's been knowing that we were soulmates, surprisingly didn't anger me, which I knew would've, had this been revealed to me prior to our breaking point.

"Why did you bully me in high school, I am genuinely curious?" I asked him. His face contorted into pain and I saw him take a deep breath in before exhaling it all out.

"When we were in crèche, it was because I had a baby crush on you. You know how they say, when a guy doesn't know how to get the girl he likes, to like him back, he usually teases her, to get her attention?" I nodded my head, though my mind was bewildered at the revelation. "So I teased you a lot, and at some point it got habitual, getting a reaction out of you became a goal, even when that reaction was not exactly positive. You were really feisty when we were young. And then, in primary, I got over that phase a little until my mother passed away. You were there for me remember? Hugged me all night when I cried in the bathroom. You seeing me cry like that made my 10 year old brain believe I was a weakling. I had a really toxic mindset growing up. So I started to overpower you, so you wouldn't think I was weak. I know now that that was wrong, but at the time, my brain was too fogged for rationality. And then I started to hate you in high school, not because of anything you did, but because you had what I lost, and it made me so angry." He stopped to take a break. At this point, I was crying, he was crying too.

"What was that?"

"Your mom. The perfect picture family. It blinded me with so much hate that I released it in the most vulgar of ways. It turned me into a monster, that jealousy over something you couldn't even control. And then, the visions began in grade 10. And they made me spiral out of control. My thoughts were like this at the time, how could they pair me up with someone I hate? to how could they pair me up with someone I could never have? In retrospect, I bullied you not because of anything you did, it was all because I was insecure, and the only easy target for my aggression was you. I'm so sorry, that you suffered so much because of me. The guilt still eats away at me, and I'm pretty sure it will continue to eat away at me until my resting place. But I want you to honestly know that I'm sorry."

I got off my bar stool and rounded the island. Thuso's head was hungover in shame as I hugged him from the back and held on to him tightly. I felt his body shake, and my heart reached out to him.

"I forgive you Thuso, you don't have to live with the guilt anymore because I truly and genuinely forgive you. You were young and didn't know better. But here you are today, trying to mend things with me, and for that I appreciate you. We can't change the past, but we have to move on from it. Please, forgive yourself too, until then will you be free." I said into his back. We stayed like that, my hands around his waist, his clasping my hands tightly, for a long moment.

A/N.

I'm not crying, you are🥺