Journaling Schizophrenic

Entry twenty four: Blue Sky

I just presented my big religion project and I'm so happy it's over - now I can stop stressing :)

This chapter - especially after the last one - is pretty major. I hope it doesn't seem to come out of nowhere and I'll try not to make you wait too long to find out what happens next. Oh and originally the song in the title was the one by Jason Collett, but I think this one was a bit more appropriate.

Thank you to everyone who's reading my story and I hope you enjoy this chapter (:

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Entry twenty four:

Blue Sky. Everything is the way it is. You can’t change the colour of the sky, I can’t change the fact that I’m a schizophrenic and Gavin can’t change the fact that he’s into both girls and guys. And I have to accept those truths. Each and every one of those truths. There’s no way to get around any of it, and so I just have to go with it. Easier said than done.

Today in French class Sadie slipped. For some reason it was like she just couldn’t help herself anymore. Everything she’s been holding back came flooding out. All her lusty feelings and improper comments just overwhelmed me. It got to the point where I couldn’t even look at M. Periot without feeling a little turned on and agog. How sick is that?

Since I couldn’t concentrate anyway I just said I wasn’t feeling well and asked if I could go see the nurse. I don’t know what that overly good looking teacher – ugh – saw in my eyes; whether it was Sadie’s desire to have him or my self loathing, but he let me go. I packed up all of my things and as I walked towards the nurse’s office wondered what excuse I could use to get out of school. As cheesy and unoriginal as it is, I decided to go with cramps. And she bought it. I mean, truthfully it wasn’t all that hard putting on a pained expression, but she was probably just doing her good deed of the day – I might have just imagined it, but it did look like she checked something off in her date book.

I hope you have a valid excuse for ignoring me, but I sent you like five text messages asking you what I should do. I know you never turn your phone off during class, so where were you when I really needed you?

I guess I’m lucky Gavin cares too…ahem. He told me to wait for him at the café and came to see what was up just as soon as his lecture was over. I can’t tell you how much better I immediately felt when he walked in. My mini panic attack finally stopped and I could think rationally again. It makes me wonder if subconsciously I’ve already accepted his bisexuality and I’m just making a big deal of it in my head for pity and attention.

Anyway, once I could breath again I managed to finally take a sip of my now warm raspberry vanilla flavoured oolong tea. It was exactly what I needed. Gavin sat down in the seat next to mine and took a long hard look at my face. “Are you okay? Your text messages seemed a little frantic.”

“Well, I’m feeling a lot better than I did two minutes ago.” I said.

“What’s happened in the past two minutes that helped so much?” He wondered out loud.

I took one warm hand off my tea and put it on the hand he’d placed on my knee. “You showed up. Thank you by the way, I’m glad at least someone cares enough to not ignore me.” I said a little miserably and I admit pathetically.

“So you pulled me away from school to assure yourself that I was at your beck and call? Tuition isn’t cheap you know.” he said starting to sound a little outraged as he pulled his hand away.

“Hey! Of course I wouldn’t do that. This was a serious situation and I couldn’t think of anyone else to talk to about it. But if you are going to get all upset and worried about wasting your scholarship then by all means leave and go find someone else to deal with your issues.” I said feeling hurt by his accusations.