Journaling Schizophrenic

Entry twenty five: I Want You To Want Me

I don't know why I'm so tired lately...anyway, I hope you enjoy! :)

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Entry twenty five:

I Want You To Want Me. Today I decided I would have a me day. It worked out fine for most of the morning, I kept my phone off again and no one bothered me. Marny did her best to control the other two and out of guilt and fear of the pill they stayed pretty much out of the way. As a result I actually managed to pay attention in class with no problems especially since I don’t have French until after lunch.

I’m glad you managed to catch up to me during lunch. I would’ve just given you this journal and let you read it as an explanation, but ever since I started using it as a diary more than following the rules you set at first (which was probably around the time I met Gavin), I’ve been leaving it more often at home. There is quite a bit of personal information in here you know.

“Sammi! Wait up.” You yelled at me from down the hall. “Sorry I didn’t answer your texts yesterday, I was a little busy presenting my project and I think something’s up with you phone because you haven’t been answering my messages since yesterday.” You explained quite simply. You have been forgiven by the way.

“Yeah, I kind of turned it off yesterday after I broke down. Sorry if I made you worried.”

“What brake down? Is that what the emergency was?”

“Well not exactly, it’s a long story.”

“And I’ve got all lunch to hear it. Com on, let’s go eat in the privacy of fresh air.” You said as you guided me out to the almost empty courtyard.

And so I was forced to go through it all again. I didn’t go into as much detail as I did with Jessica, but that’s only because it was the second time around and I didn’t feel the need to tell every single detail. Besides, you get to read the full account as soon as I give this back.

Your reaction was great though. I especially loved the red tint of rage on your face when I mentioned that I cried; thanks. I don’t think you have to go after him for me though. As soon as I’m done ignoring him I’ll just check his messages and decide whether I want to make up with him – assuming that Gavin even sent me any messages that is.

In the mean time, I would really like to know what is up with Kaaleb. I mean, I know I only mentioned it in passing, but she didn’t really make me feel any better about myself than Gavin did. The only big difference is that I was in too much shock to really respond to Kaaleb and that’s how she got away with it.

I’m thinking for some crazy reason she seems to be jealous of me but that just seems a little stupid to me. I’m not remarkable in any way besides the schizophrenia and that’s not something to be envious of. You and I are just best friends, nothing more and my relationship with Gavin seems to be crumbling at the moment, so I really don’t see what her problem is. And don’t worry Dex, I’m not fishing for compliments here, just stating facts.

 I think I have to attempt to connect the song title to the entry now, so here goes. As much as he upset me yesterday, I still think I would be devastated if this thing with Gavin and me were over. You and I both know that there’s a possibility that I’m actually crazy, but I promise you this is not an example of such behaviour. I am also not starting to show signs of dependability. This morning alone is proof enough, but even without my morning of practically solitude, I know I am not attached to Gavin like a leech.

But anyway, thanks again for looking out for me and for the chat we had; that should be a more common occurrence considering we are besties.