"You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days."
-
Matilda Monroe always dreamed of traveling the world. She decides to leave her life behind and spend the summer in Italy.
Matilda comes across the Sunset Lake winery...
Please remember that you are so very loved and you deserve to be here. You will always be the sun. <3
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
It feels like I'm back with you. I'm completely numb but also everything hurts. But what hurts the most is that I miss him. I know I shouldn't, he's hurt me in a way I never knew. It's like my heart is melting from the fire he ignited and yet he could still hose it off with water and build it back together.
I'm so pathetic for crying over a man. Women have fought so hard to be heard, independent, and understood. They fought for centuries to be treated with rights. They fight for their value and worth. They fight for the way we are seen. They are still fighting to this day. And yet, I feel like I'm letting them all down, all because I'm crying over a man.
A fucking man, but this isn't just any ordinary man. This is Harry we're talking about.
He's shown me ways of myself that make me want to fight more. He sees me in a way that's respectful. He sees something worthy in me, and that's something I thought I lost many years ago. You took that from me, Mom. You took a lot more too.
You know, I don't believe I've ever had confidence. I've always been a shell of a person, hiding away in oversized clothing. I was so worked up in taking care of you that I forgot about myself in the process. And knowing that I never have to do that anymore is a huge weight off my shoulders.
I don't know how you're doing and frankly, I don't want to know. I got out and I'll forever be free, but not in my mind. I still write to you, I don't know why. Don't ask. It's therapeutic but it's also painful.
Everything is painful.
It's like Harry triggered this sensitivity switch, and even if I drop a coffee mug I'll cry or lash out. What is wrong with me? Let's not even answer that or go down that rabbit hole.
Even writing his name causes my stomach to clench. I think it's over between us, what was supposed to be forever turned into an actual summer fling, and I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I want it all with him but I can't have it because I don't even know if he loves me. That's what hurts the most, I think.
He's never flat out said he does or doesn't, I may feel it, but he's never said it. My mind keeps going over a million questions, scenarios, and all the works. It's been keeping me up at night too. The unknown of it is driving me insane. It truly feels like I'm stuck in a straight jacket; mentally. I've been picking at my nails, they've become so short. I have a few bandaids around them, if the tips of my nails touch anything I hiss out in pain. Lainey tries to make me stop when she notices, but I can't. Anxiety isn't something that you can cut cold turkey, it's something you live with and find ways to cope with it.
You know, I look at some people like Lainey for example. She grew up in such a loving home, she always had the perfect grades, and everyone loved her. She's like a golden retriever, so happy, radiant, and energetic. Lainey has always been a good conversationalist as well as a good person overall. She has her moments, but she's never been through something life changing. Her life is perfect. And I always ask myself the same question. How is it so easy for some people?
