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For the past few days I have been training myself. With knives, guns. You name it.
I visited Thomas's grave everyday. I would tell him that I was sorry for not telling him about the baby. How every time I wish I could have.
While I was sitting at Thomas's grave, Rick came and sat next to me.
You know when Thomas was young, he always bug Daryl about wanting to ride his motorcycle, and Daryl would always say no, but that did not stop Thomas. He just kept asking and asking. Rick said.
That sounds like him. Rick I don't know if I can do this. This whole mother thing. I said with tears in my eyes.
Rick than looked at me with a sympatric look.
After I found out I was pregnant, I was scared but I had Thomas. And I was going to tell him. But now he's not here anymore. And now I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know even how to be a mother. And I'm scared that if I look at my child all I will see is Thomas and I'm scared that I will hate that feeling. I said.
Mae, I know that isn't true. I know when you have your child you will see Thomas but you will feel joy. Because you will see the joy you had with Thomas. And your going to be a great mother. Rick said as he hugged me.
Rick, I want Negan dead, please promise me that we will fight back, that we will not live like this, that we will kill Negan. I said.
Later that day I was patrolling when Rosita came up to me.
Come on. She said.
What? I asked.
You need to get out of here, I saw how you were with Ethane. That look you had. You need to blow off some steam so you are coming with me. Rosita said as she yanked my gun out of my hand.
I followed Rosita outside of Hilltop. We kept walking until we found a walker.
Listen, I have see n the kind of anger your feeling and it needs to be relapsed. Now take this knife and remember ever feeling you have with Negan, Thomas, the saviors and put it all on that walker. Rosita said.
I looked at the walker. I started walking towards it. Memories of what happened that night came back. I felt the anger.
I than kicked the walker down on the floor and I stabbed it again and again and again. It's blood got all over my face, but didn't care the more I kept stabbing the walker the more memories that came back. Before I knew I was screaming and crying while killing the walker.
After the walker's head was no more than a smushed brain.
Hey look at me. Rosita said.
I looked at her.
Now take all this anger and control it. Think about Negan. Put all your anger in that. Rosita said.
Okay. I said.
I picked my self up and walked toward Rosita.
Listen, I know how you feel I am anger, I'm scared. To lose some else I love. But I learned how to control that. Rosita said.
Rosita and I got back to Alexandra, when I looked at my stomach. The stomach that I was carrying a child with. I no longer felt fear. I thought about what Rick said. And now that evetime I thought about having this child I felt happiness.
Negan, would be dead. So my child would live without fear.
