Hell is a Teenage Girl

29

Allie Crawford

Tears stung in my eyes as I walked to the kitchen of this large house to get a drink. It was safe to say I got drunk as shit that night. When I pissed people off I turned to the friend I knew would always be there: alcohol.

It took the edge off all the sharp pain and made me briefly forget about how bad I fuck things up.

This situation seemed to have increased my alcohol use and I was drinking all the time. Not just at parties, by myself too. At night when I was alone and sad I'd grab a bottle of liquor I had hidden away and drown my thoughts out.

I was unsure if it actually did anything to make me feel better, but in the moment I thought it did. I would always wake up feeling like shit in the morning and still remembering what I was trying to forget.

Midterms creeped up on me. I turned in what I had for the portfolio even though I had a week or two that didn't have a picture. I was willing to take my chances. Not many of my other grades were better.

Dean stayed up late with me the night before my Math midterm going over everything with me. I felt okay about it, but got a 78. I took it as a win.

Everyday in P.E. Pierce didn't look my way or talk to me. It was like I was invisible. I guess I deserved it for what I did, but it still felt like shit.

To me I knew I had hurt him, but I thought it wasn't that big of a deal because we weren't dating. I was trying not to excuse my behavior, but it also didn't feel fair. Never did we talk about being exclusive or dating each other. We only had sex and basically worked on homework. He never asked me to not have relations with other people.

Though it wasn't completely right of me, I also felt like it wasn't completely wrong either. Had those boundaries been set, maybe it'd be a different story.

Despite my strong feelings about my behavior, I still wished I hadn't done it. Things would be so much more simple if I had ignored Chase's text that night. I understood that I had screwed things over for myself and I couldn't go back on my decisions. I had been so stupid for falling for it. When I said Chase and I had no hard feelings, I meant it. Now I'm taking it back. I'm fucking pissed off. Though, I'm unsure if most of the frustration is at him or myself.

Days passed, weeks even. It was difficult for me to not think about the situation, even though all I told myself was to not think about it.

I slept most days away, even at school. I'd fall asleep in class, barely doing my work. In P.E. I put in the bare minimum and hardly talked to anyone even though I was usually the loudest person in the room.

I felt as if I had weights chained to my legs and I just dragged myself around all day, barely moving, speaking, or feeling.

One Saturday night Nova hit up my phone.

She asked if I wanted to party with her tonight, and I said "fuck yes."

I had been sad for too long and needed to let go of this. I put on a cute outfit, did my hair, and slapped on some makeup and waited for her to pick me up.

And now here we are.

Because, apparently, when my heart gets broken I see partying as a way to cope.

"Hey!" Nova called out with the window rolled down as I approached her car.

"Hi." I smiled for the first time in weeks. Or at least it felt that way.

I got in the car and we turned up the music loud as shit to drown out my problems. I had told her briefly of the situation over the phone.

Once we arrived I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I talked and danced and drank the night away.