Hatchetfield.

This is Unhinged | Ted Spankoffski x Reader

warnings: cursing, more well rested but still very dyslectic author

Missing work was not something (Y/n) did often and some of their coworkers began to worry a bit. Soon however, Melissa stopped by their floor to inform that they needed a free day to 'sort some stuff out' and that they were going to return to work the next day so there was no need to worry. No one was very interested in any further information and so the day went on.

Around his lunch break, however, Ted decided to call them to check on them. It was something they did often when he was gone, a nice routine he'd grown to enjoy. He wasn't all that eager to do so, it wasn't his thing, but he was quite bored and didn't really have anyone to talk to or grab a lunch with so he decided to return the favour. He felt kind of weird about it but reminded himself that it's completely normal now that they are 'sort of seeing each other'.

Not long after he pressed the telephone icon on his screen (Y/n) picked up.

"Hey, what's up?" they asked not really expecting to be called by Ted of all people "Is something wrong?"

"Why aren't you at work?"

"Oh, that! I'm having" they must have put down the phone for a moment as Ted heard a few muffled sounds on their end before the sound came back clear "a bit of an emmergency here. Nothing bad I swear! It's just,, remember when I showed you that cat i found recently?"

How could Ted forget? Patas was to (Y/n) like a child and they loved him dearly but it was certainly not the case for Ted. The thing was huge and loud, with a clear dislike for the man. The first (and only so far) time when Ted was spending the night he found his shoes soaked in cat piss and Patas the cat looking at him with those malicious yellow eyes. So it was safe to say the resentment was pretty mutual hence Ted's response:

"Yeah, that fuckin' cat" the clear dislike in his voice made (Y/n) giggle "what's with him?"

"It's our first spring together and I'm having a bit of a problem here making him leave Poppy alone" they chuckled.

Poppy was their cousin's cat, Ted was pretty sure they told him something about taking her in for a few days. Finally it clicked.

"You really missed work to cockblock your cat?" he asked a bit too loudly and very amused making Sylvia, who just entered his office holding the doorknob by a tissue, sigh deeply.  But Ted didn't care. All he knew was that he needed to see that.

(Y/n) answered the door letting Ted in, holding a small cat he had never seen before. He went over to their place as soon as work ended, a bit motivated by the scene he'd see there but mostly by the perspective of possibly getting to stay over again.

"You're really that curious, huh?" they watched as Ted took off his shoes and hung them up on the hanger before turning back to them.

"I just want to see him suffer" he responded looking around their small flat. And there he was, a big black and white cat with his eyes glued to the small thing in (Y/n) arms. As they sat on the couch Poppy wiggled her way out from (Y/n) light embrace sitting by her feet. Next thing they knew a big shape dashed across the room.

"dON'T YOU EVEN DARE!" (Y/n) sprung to their feet pointing their finger at the cat who, holding eye contact, took a few steps in their direction before lamenting loudly.

Ted had way too much fun watching the battle (Y/n) had with their pupil, observing very amused as his tired partner chased their cats around the main and only room of the apartment.

"Come on, (Y/n)" as time passed he started to sympathise with the cat a bit "can't you just let him have fun?"

"I really don't have the energy to explain why making my cousin deal with kittens she did not want is a bad idea" they sighed drinking their coffee and moving Patas away with one foot from the counter where the other cat sat.

"Maybe he'll pull out on time! Right?" the cat meowed loudly as if in agreement, making (Y/n) chuckle at their solidarity.

Checking their phone, clearly waiting for a text they set down the empty cup positioning themselves between the cat and the counter where Poppy slept, so that they could also face Ted. He was still on the couch, smoking, since (Y/n) didn't really mind it.

"Ted, that's not how cats work..." to be honest they also found the situation to be quite amusing considering that their partner had a known dislike towards their 'furry child' as they called their cat.

"Look" he started, speaking with his hands, waving the cigarette around. (Y/n) noticed he did that a lot "If it were me I'd go nuts! Lock him in the bathroom at least, why torture the poor guy and show him what he can't have?"

"Ted, he's a cat" they let out a little laugh shaking their head at his antics "And besides I had that idea this morning. But I just couldn't do that to him, you know? And even when I tried he yelled so much I was scared my neighbours would think I'm torturing someone in here"

They held Patas in their arms, rocking him like a big, very horny baby, completely ignoring the hypocrisy of them of all people, reminding Ted that it was just a cat.

"So you're going to use all your sick days on this or?" he said putting the cigarette butt in the ashtray nearby.

"Of course not! It's only for today" they responded making Ted a bit less worried for their sanity (which, again was pretty hypocritical for someone who tried to play a wingman for a cat) "plus I already set him up for neutering this evening"

Ted's head snapped towards them momentarily as he gave his partner the most offended look they've ever seen him have.

"Jesus Christ leave his balls alone!"