Hatchetfield.

Rude Awakening

Trigger warnings:
- Implied sex
- Ted being Ted about said implied sex

Ted slammed the door to the apartment, not bothering to be quiet as he dropped his coat onto the floor and kicked off his shoes. His keys jangled as he dropped them into their bowl. "I'm home," he called, but he received no response. As Ted stepped into the living room, he realized none of the lights were on either. The only illumination came from the windows. Weird. It was almost ten in the morning—long past when Ted would voluntarily get up, but he knew a certain someone was an early riser. Shouldn't his nerd-ass little brother be awake by now?

And then Ted grinned. Oh, right. He'd forgotten about Pete's plans. He was bringing over a girl. Ted had only heard about her, never met her (Pete had practically shoved him out the door last night to keep things that way), but it was pretty obvious that his baby brother was head-over-heels for this Steph chick. And now he was home, and Pete was apparently still asleep. The perfect time to interrogate him about his little date.

Ted snuck down the hall, taking care not to step on any of the creaky parts of the floor. Hopefully he hadn't woken Pete up by slamming the door—it would be so much more fun to shake him awake himself. He reached Pete's bedroom and pressed his ear to the door. No sign of life—so either Pete had left the apartment entirely, or he was still asleep.

Well, only one way to find out!

Ted threw the door open, flicking on the light as he let himself into Pete's room. "Wake up, sleepyhead!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Wait, what's going on?" Pete blinked blearily, fumbling for the glasses on his nightstand. Ted laughed to himself. Fuckin' got 'em.

"Yeah, what the fuck, man?" said a voice that was 100% not Pete's. A second figure sat up in bed—a figure with long, messy hair, wearing one of Pete's old space camp shirts, looking for all the world as if she'd been there all night.

"Ohohohohoho!" Ted couldn't help but laugh with delight, covering his mouth and beating a hasty retreat before Pete could start throwing things at him. "Holy shit, Petey! Looks like you did inherit the Spankoffski charm after all!"

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" Pete pulled the blankets over his face with one hand and flipped Ted off with the other. The girl, meanwhile, burst into giggles, making no move to hide as Ted followed his brother's directions. He shut the door behind him, still snickering, and headed to the kitchen to make breakfast.

About ten minutes later, the door to Pete's room tentatively creaked open. Ted didn't look back, but he couldn't keep the grin off his face as he called out, "so, did you have a good time last night?"

"Yep," Pete's girl responded. Ted caught the sound of Pete facepalming. "Hey, do you have any of those cereals that are basically candy?"

"Fuck yeah, we do." Ted opened the shelf and took down several half-empty, probably-stale boxes. "I'm Ted, by the way. Pete's brother. I don't know if he told you about me, because he's certainly been trying to hide whatever... this is." He gestured at the two of them.

"Yeah, because you act like that," Pete grumbled.

"Like what, Pete?" Ted said innocently. "I am simply serving you and—it's Steph, right?"

"Yeah, Steph," she said.

"I am simply serving you and Steph a lovely breakfast!" Ted finished. He smiled at Pete. Pete did not smile back.

"Could you please at least forgo the intrusive questions until Steph leaves?" Pete tried.

"Oh, no, don't do that," Steph said. She poured herself a bowl of knock-off chocolate cheerios, forgoing a spoon to shove a handful straight into her mouth. "I'm great at dodging intrusive questions. Hate to let my talent go to waste."

Which was such a fantastic and unexpected answer that Ted simply had to pry a little more. "Okay," he said. "So, did the Spankoffski charm claim another victim?"

Steph tapped her finger on the breakfast bar. "Depends. What exactly does this 'Spankoffski charm' entail?"

"Uh." Shit. Ted didn't really... know? "It's more of a vibe than a—a concrete idea," he said. "You'll know it when you feel it."

Steph smiled blithely. "Well, if you can't define it, I can't exactly tell you if I've been Spankoffski charmed or not, can I?"

"I guess," Ted said. "But you were, just, generally charmed, right?"

"No," Steph said.

"No? But you—you stayed over the whole night!"

Steph raised her eyebrows. "With no magic required. I was in my right mind the entire time."

Pete buried his face in his folded arms. "Ted. Please stop harassing my girlfriend."

"Aha!" Ted yelled, pointing dramatically at him. "So she is your girlfriend!"

Steph tutted. "Pete, this is why you should let me handle the cross-examination."

"I am beset from all sides," Pete whined.

"Yeah, yeah, poor you." Ted slid Pete a bowl of atrociously sugary cereal. "Now eat your candy for breakfast so you can grow up big and strong."

After they'd finished breakfast, Ted graciously let Steph leave before turning back to Pete.

"Don't," he said.

"Don't what?" Ted said with a grin.

"Ted, I appreciate that this is how you bond with people, but just... I don't want to tell you about my night with Steph."

"That's fair," Ted said. "One question, though. Did you see the condoms I put in your nightstand, because—"

Ted cut himself off as Pete picked up a couch cushion and threw it at him.