Hatchetfield.

I should be over all the butterflies (But I'm into you)

Steph is pretty sure that Pete knows. She is pretty sure she knows it too. Somewhere deep down in her guts. She's just not sure if she wants to know though.

It's nice what they have now. Comfortable. Innocent.

Currently they're both lying on the sofa in the living room of Pete's parents' house. The sofa is old, with many unidentifiable spots. It's very different to what she's used to. The room feels warm and lived in. Things are scattered everywhere: jackets on chairs, books and magazines on the table, empty mugs. There are pictures of Pete and his brother Ted on the mantle over the fireplace.

Her head in resting on Pete's chest. She can feel his warmth and reassuring presence. His hand is tangled in her hair absentmindedly playing with it. His eyes are glued to the light of the screen where some nerd film is playing. She looks at the content smile on his lips and can't help but smile herself.

It feels easy. Too easy. Despite the calm she feels strange. Anxious. On edge.

They're trapped in this limbo of unspoken words. They both know what needs to be said. But nobody has dared to breach the subject yet. If she's being honest Steph doesn't want to breach the subject at all.

Being like this is comfortable. Not knowing is comfortable. The limbo gives them enough space to just be. Have some precious time for themselves. Everything beyond their little bubble feels scary. It means that things will change. It won't just be a thing between the two of them. It will be out there in the open for everyone else to see. For everyone else to have opinions and assumptions about.

She knows that Pete wants to ask her about it. She knows by the silence that stretches between them from time to time when they lie together in the dark. Sometimes she thinks she can feel his anxiety. The way he is trying to hype himself up to asking. In those moments she can hear her own heart beating in her ears. In those moments their little bubble seems too small. In those moments he feels too close.

Pete hasn't had the courage yet. After those agonizing minutes he always broke the silence by making a stupid comment about the movie or telling her a funny story about something stupid Ruth had done last week. Then relief flooded her veins and she let out a nervous chuckle. Sometimes she thought she could feel his disappointment.

They have become experts in their little game. No matter how much she is looking forward to spending time with Pete there will always be the slight anxiety that this time he will work up the courage. That she will have to finally confront her feelings. And every time they say goodbye to each other at the door she can feel his eyes lingering just a second too long on her lips. At this point she's not sure if she prefers the uncertainty to the alternative.

Things are different with Pete. Different to the boyfriends and girlfriends she had before. He's careful, uncertain about a lot of things. He asks, doesn't just take, if he dares to ask at all. It's slow. Most of her other relationships ended after a few weeks, when her partners had gotten sick of her. (She wonders when Pete will get sick of her.)

His hand has left her hair now and has moved on to her arm. Running up and down. Carefully. Barely touching her with his fingertips. Tracing patterns only he understands. It feels familiar. Goosebumps crawl over her neck. She's not sure if it's a good or a bad feeling. If this is a pit of anxiety building in her stomach or just a storm of overwhelming feelings. She closes her eyes and tries to forget. To only focus on the warmth and not the fluttering feeling that turns her insides over and over.

The film ends. She knows only by the credit music that floods the room. Her eyes are closed. Pete's arms are around her. The silence is only broken by their synchronised breathing. She feels faint all of a sudden. Faint in a way that is a bit like floating. Faint and afraid. Afraid of the affection that will be written all over Pete's face when she opens her eyes. Afraid that everything is going to change. Afraid that they won't have any more evenings like this. Afraid that Pete will just lean in and kiss her. Afraid that she will have to kiss him back.

Does she want him to kiss her? Does she want to kiss him back? Is this static in her head anticipation or is it anxiety? Is she afraid of having to own up to her emotions or is she afraid of the thing itself? Her feelings are a tangled mess she can't make any sense of.

The silence grows heavier with every passing second. She's not sure if she should say something. If she should just pretend to be asleep. Her hands are sweaty where they are wrapped around the fabric of Pete's sweater.

She doesn't know how to do this. She doesn't want to like him. Really there is no reason she should. He's just a nerd. A really nice nerd who is kind of cute when he is going off on some tangent about his stupid movies. He wears fucking suspenders and bowtie. Which actually kind of suit him.

She doesn't want to feel that warm bubbly feeling in her chest. She doesn't want to smile every time he sends her a really cheesy message. She doesn't want to think about him every waking second. This is too good. It makes her uneasy. (It won't last long anyway.)

"Hey Steph," Pete suddenly asks into the quiet screaming of her thoughts.

Steph's breath hitches. She feels hot. For a moment she considers just saying nothing, but he must have realised that she is still awake right? Even he must feel the rapid beating of her heart under his arms.

"Yeah?" she asks carefully, but not daring to open her eyes.

And there it is again. The nervous energy running off his skin. She knows what he is about to say. She has known it for several weeks now. Still, it can't prepare her for the dark abyss opening up inside her chest. She's falling. Faster and faster.

"You know I like you, right?"

She knows what he means. Of course, she knows. But how is she supposed to react? Laugh it off? Pretend she thinks he means it in a friendly way? Agree with him? That's just cocky, isn't it? (What is there to like anyway?) Say it back? God, she was never any good at this. And not knowing what she wants makes it ten times worse.

The worst thing is maybe that she is being a real arse. Because Pete is just opening his heart up to her. She knows how hard that is. She is literally feeling all of that right now. And she is making it actively worse for him. What if he misinterprets her silence? What if he thinks that she hates him now? What if she is ruining everything with her stupid struggles? Shouldn't she be the confident one in all of this? He's just a nerd after all. And she is, well, Stephanie Lauter.

Suddenly there is a warm hand wrapping around hers. Fingers threading between hers. Underneath her Pete takes a shaky breath. "You don't have to say it back. I- I just wanted to let you know, because you- you deserve to know."

Steph heart stops. Pete's warm hand around hers. The beating of his heart against her ear.

It's easy, isn't it?

Carefully she peels open one eye. She can barely see Pete's face from where she is lying. There is stubble on his chin. He never manages to shave evenly. She thinks it's endearing. His hair is falling into his neck. He is growing it even longer. There is a nervous smile on his lips. A smile that radiates kindness and patience. A smile that speaks of adoration. A smile she knows all too well at this point.

Her chest feels lighter. Her thoughts stop running a hundred miles an hour. This is Pete she is talking about. Pete, who is always patient with her when she doesn't understand one of the assignments they are going over together. Pete who keeps offering her to stay over, when he feels that she doesn't want to go home. Pete who is always looking out for her.

It's easy, isn't it?

Her lips twist into a smile as well. "I know," she says and finds that she means it.

She doesn't say it back. She's not sure she's ready yet. She's not sure if she has this whole not being alone thing figured out. But they can figure it out as they go.

She's pretty sure her eyes say it though. They speak of all the love she holds for him and how thankful she feels for everything he has done. For those evening spent curled up together. For their study sessions. For the lunches she can finally spend laughing. For the messages he sends when her dad is being a dick again.

Pete's smile widens. He pulls her closer and this time the contact feels warm and welcoming. He leans down to press and kiss to her hair. "I know," he whispers over the music of the credits.