You Don't Know Me | A Andy Gibb What If Story

Chapter 88

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Death and Grief. 

Life was like a boat trip at the moment. I was trying to navigate the rough waters that I didn't anticipate. With my brother's sudden passing, I felt lost to a point. We weren't always close but we had made plans after his discharge.

The plans we had were no longer. Just that. They were plans. 

My parents had been in town for 4 days before his body arrived in the US officially since he was stationed overseas.

"We decided that were going to have him cremated. And, we want you to take some of his ashes with you when you go to Croatia in September," my mom explained.

Andy was sitting next to me while we were talking. He was holding my hand. Every few minutes, he'd squeeze my hand.

"Whatever yours and his wishes are, we will fulfill them,"  I told her.

She sighed.

"I don't know what his wishes were. He didn't have a last will or testament. The only thing we have is his journals and I cannot bring myself to read them," she expressed.

"D-do you have them with you?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I do. These were the only recent ones," she remarked as she disappeared to the guest bedroom.

"Are you okay? I don't know what to say or do for you at this time darling," Andy commented as he squeezed my hand again.

"I don't know what to feel or say. For you to be here, that means more than you know," I told him as my mom joined us back with two journals.

Andy smiled at me as my mom handed me the journals.

We temporarily let go of each other's hands as I started going through the journals. I went to the most recent entry. 

"Do you want me to read it out loud?" I asked my mom.

"Sure honey go ahead," she told me.

I took a deep breath before reading it.

"June 1987

Well, it's official. I am officially being discharged at the end of the year. My deployment has been crazy and I'm glad I'm finally going home.

I miss my family a lot. I feel like I haven't been around for so many things. Like (Y/N)'s life especially. We were the ones who stayed in Califorina. And yet, I went and left to go into the military hoping to better myself. I just hope when I get home life is normal and not hard to settle into.

I wish Mom and Dad weren't in Canada. I hope I can move out there to help take care of my dad's health and make sure Mom doesn't go stir-crazy with all the things going on for us. 

I cannot wait to get to know my sister better now that we are both adults. She's told me all about her relationship. At least I know she's being taken care of," I read and had to pause.

I sniffled. Josh didn't tell us his feelings. He was guarded. He was tough. But, maybe it's cause he was the oldest. 

"Wait he talked about us?" Andy remarked 

"Y-yeah," I replied with a smile.

"Keep going," my Mom told me.

I took another deep breath and continued reading this specific entry. It was the last journal he ever wrote.

"I often worry about everyone. I feel like as the oldest son, it's my duty. But, isn't it a weakness for a man to worry about others? 

That's why I'm glad my sister finally found her happy ending. Well for now. Only the stars know. But, at least she's taken care of if anything happens to anyone in the decades to come," I read as I started to cry.

"I have to pause hold on," I remarked as I handed my mom the journal.

"He was worried about you? I never knew that," my Mom commented as she looked at the journal.

"I-I didn't either," I remarked as Andy wrapped me in an embrace.

"He was so guarded. He had to bring on the persona to protect himself," my Dad remarked.

My Dad was not okay health-wise to be truthfully honest. But, this was a blow to all of us and he took it the hardest. I'll never forget the conversation of him begging Josh not to enroll in the military. If Josh had only listened. 

"Did they say what happened? How he died?" I asked.

"They haven't said yet but we're assuming it was during an invasion into their camp," my Mom commented.

I frowned. I cannot imagine how alone my brother felt in his final moments.

"How about we go out for some air?" Andy suggested as he put a hand on my shoulder.

"Y-yeah I think that might be good. Do you want to join us?" I asked my Mom.

"No, you two go for now. We'll be along maybe in a few," she told me as she was reading Josh's journal.

"Okay momma," I told her as I leaned to kiss her head.

She smiled at the gesture as Andy and I walked out back.

It was quiet except for one bird singing. We sat down on the porch steps like we always did. If these steps could talk, how much has been 

"Thank you for being here and not leaving me," I told him.

"Why would I leave you?" he asked me.

"I-I don't know why I just have a lot of emotions and I feel like I'm so hard to understand in this state I'm in right now," I told him.

He brought me closer to him.

"You aren't hard to handle. You handle grief the way you need to. I'll be here to be the shoulder for you to cry on or the smile you need," he told me.

I leaned into him.

"You are the best," I told him as a bird landed right in front of us.

It was a red cardinal.

"Wait no way," I remarked.

"That bird just," Andy replied.

"It's Josh," I remarked as I started crying again.

"He's letting you know he's okay," Andy told me as the bird flew away just as quickly as it landed.

You don't stop living just cause someone leaves.