The archive of the forgotten

Atlas is writing

I closed my eyes. Not today, not again. I cannot complain, I told myself, you've written a lot. But today everything that flows on the page seems, skewed, imperfect. I can write about a hundred words before I put it away. I chuckles, it'll only take another thirty till I put this down. I don't want to put it down, I love writing, I need to put these words on a page, I need to understand myself but I can't not if I cannot get these words out of my mind. I sigh and rest my head on my desk. A 100 words, I put it down.

I can't write, my head is too full and too empty at the same time. I don't know what I am feeling but I hate it. I lie down, I put on music and look at the ceiling, I cannot clear my mind. I take deep breaths, forcus on your breathing Atlas. A tear falls down, I wish I could just understand myself in everyway possible. I look at my wrists, the old scars look at me, smirking in the way they hate me. I grab the elastic on my wrist and let it hit my wrist. The sharp pain distracts me. I take another deep breath, the pounding pain of my migraine wants to escape my head. It feels as if the pain is escaping through my ears and eyes. all my tears are filled with it.

The last few weeks has been too much for me, apparently. And still I refuse to rest, I can't afford to rest, I need to go on. Everyday, it's like I am applying pressure to myself that no one will ever reward. I ignore the fact that my lungs are struggling to get a normal amount of oxygen. Orion enters the room and he sees me. "Migraine injection? Asthma disc?" I nod and smile. Orion always knows what I need. He comes back with my migraine pain injection and ashtma disc, I use the disc, the tight hug of potential death immediately relaxes. "Thank you Orion," I say while sanitizing a part of my leg so I can use the injection. I take a deep breath and hear the click. I take it out, I immediately feel the stupid side effect of naseua. He smiles and leaves the room.

I take a deep breath and sit down behind the beautiful underwood typewriter again. I take a deep breath and decide that today will be a slow day. I need to think about things. I stand up, it feels as if I'm dreaming, I've forgotten what day of the week it might be. It feels like everyday is the same, But I need to be strong. I need myself, other people need me. Do they need me? Don't I just want to be needed? I try not to think about it, what if i am not needed or even wanted in this world.

"Hey" Orion throws a shirt at my head. I look at him. "What do you want?" I say, slightly irritated. I throw the shirt back. "Come on at least try to wear something!" I say jokingly as the shirt lands on his long blonde hair. "I'm going for a ride, you coming." "Depends what ride" I say. He smiles, "The one that helps the most when you're not feeling good." He says. I immeditely smile, "Of course I am coming."

We arrive there, we are walking through the loose sand to the stable. "You look like one of those old money tiktoks." Orion says with a chuckle. "Says the one with a white turtleneck and a suit jacket that looks like ralph lauren." He chuckles. "You made this jacket." He says with a chuckle. "Whoever enter the stables first may ride Maurice" I scream as I start to run. "Unfair!" He screams as he pursues me. When we arrive there it is official that I will be riding Maurice. "You may ride Aloysius if you'd like" I say. He nods and we walk up to their places.

I look up at the tall black horse as I put on his bridle and saddle. Maurice has always been very calm and collected, unlike me, although I like my other horses he is always great for leisure. I walk up to Orion and Aloysius, a black arabian horse, "There they are! the lookalikes" He jokes as he looks at me and the frieschin horse. "You two couldn't be more different" I joke as I mount my horse and spur it.

At first we're taking it slow, the wind is slowly breezing our hair back and forth and the fresh air makes me believe the world is a little bit more real than I thought it was. Orion spurs his horse and they begin to gallop, "Oh come on!" I say as I spur mine. The cold wind broushing it's powerful fingers through my hair makes me feel free. The world doesn't matter for a moment, the only ones in this world are our horses, the wind, orion and I. I can't stop smiling as we go faster and faster, it's so fascinating what these animals can do.

We arrive at a cliff near the shore. We sit down in the grass, the grey skies are preparing for a storm and the birds don't sing anymore. But i don't mind it, it seems more humane. The world is beautiful in it's ugliness and ugly in it's beauty. And I will accept that. I must accept that. Orion looks at me, "Quite a beautiful day today isn't it" He says while petting his horse. "How's andrew?" I smile, "He's doing his best, aren't we all?" I walk to the edge of the cliff and spread my arms, the wind pushes me back but it feels so reassuring. I love life, I love hating life, I love the fact that I can still die. I smile, but when all is said and all is done, I'm still here.

Had such a hard time writing today so I hoped you enjoyed this!