The archive of the forgotten

atlas is dependant

I open my eyes. The first thing I feel is pain, I groan while wiping the tears from my eyes and looking for my injection on my nightstand with my hand, I accidentally knock over a glass and I heart it break with a crash on the ground. The frequency surrounds my head and seems like it echoes a thousand times. The crystal clear sound slowly becomes a painful screech to my head. I curse between my teeth and try my best to relax my jaw but it's cramped up because of the headache.

I finally find my injection of sumatriptan, it's one of the only pain medications that actually helped. For me it wasn't very normal to feel a lot of pain, I have always had a quite high pain threshold. But right now, I'm in constant pain. I am allowed to use the injections, both the nosespray and the higher dose of the pills did not work. I first had some problems getting the injection as it contains something I was likely allergic to. But thankfully they has another brand. So I use this one, it helps a bit, but not a lot, I may use rizatriptan pills with it if tha pain is too much, mostly because I cannot take the sumatripatan more than twice a week. It's bad for your heart and can cause a stroke when used more than twice a week. (So four injections on two days, and not more than that). Oh and also, they strongly advice not to use normal painkillers as most can cause headaches. So when you're in normal pain ou basicallly should just leave it be. So many dangers of medications! That always felt a bit strange to me. how could medications be dangerous, of course I understood why but it still felt like a strange thing. And even if it would give me a stroke I'd use it, I am absolutely helpless without it. I don't clean my thigh, I am too desperate for that little release. I take off the cap of the injection and quickly press the blue button. I take a short breath as it hurts a little, I hear a click again and take out the needle. I drop the injection beside my bed and close my eyes, waiting for the relief.

I swiftly jump out of bed, stepping on the glass. And running to the toilet, my stomach throws out the emptiness that is within it. It hurts, I hate it. I sit down on the cold floor and look at the bottom of my foot. I carefully get out the glass pieces. I lean my head against the cold wall, the coldness is comforting when in pain. A tear rolls down my cheek and I hold my breathe in the hope not to feel anything for a minute. I close my eyes and touch the long infected cut on my chest. I take a deep breath and stand up.

I walk down the stairs slowly, trying my best to keep myself standing. I enter the room, only andrew is home today. I sit down in front of him while he prepares his breakfast. I lean my head on both my hands. "Are you alright?" I shrug. "What are you watching?" "People boasting about how many books they've read this year." I shake my head in disapproval. "One reason I do not like social media, it feeds into the rat-race of life and fuels consumerism it's..." I put his phone down and nonechalantly wave my hand in dismissal. "Not my thing." He smirks and puts his hand on my cheek. "Can it get any richer in your pitcher? You know I like it when you talk like that. Your elegance of speech it's..... funny." I chuckle and tryy to to smile but my face doesn't let me.

I know you can be happy while you are suffering, I have had those periods in my life, the strange joy of nothingess, of childhood, of ignorance. However bad life was you were okay. But now I feel numb, I enjoy my pain because it one thing I feel. I don't dare to feel joy anymore, but I also do not dare to say that I do not experience joy. What if it is anhedonia? What if I will be depressed again? How could I ever excuse myself, there is absolutely no reason not to be happy in my life and I still feel like a walking machine. A miserable excuse. I do not know what my reasons are to stay alive. I smile, how does Andrew do this? He always seems to bounce back? Why do I have this self-pity? I should snap out of it. But I also think ingnoring things like this is unhealthy, I smile I am quite a contradition.

"Do you ever find comfort in God?" He looks at me and tilts his head. "Depends, most of the time, yes. There is certain certainty, a source of hope helps sometimes. Sometimes I just throw everything out, it feels like he is listening. Even if he isn't you know." He smiles and looks at me. I smile, it's something beautiful, "Having so much trust is admirable."  "I'm pentecostal my love, it does not come natural to me at all." I chuckle, "Well how do you learn." He shrugs "You have to be willing." "Oh an by the way....what is pentecostal." He chuckles and begins to explain all the sorts of churches to me. He ends with Catholic. I scoff. "That's the most rotten one." He looks at me, shocked. "Sorry, I did not mean that, they just have an...." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "I don't ask questions about that my love." I kiss his hand. "One of the reasons I love you."

I grab a clementine and start to peel it. "Shall we do something fun. Let's lie and who ever can keep the best poker face wins." He says. I smile. Alright. "Sounds good to me andrew. You should start, tell your lie." I answer with a smile. He thinks for a second. "I hate stars." I smile as I look at his face. He tries his best not to smile but he bursts into laughter. I chuckle. "Alright, let's see how succesful you are. Tell me a lie Atlas" He says with a smirk. I take a deep breath and look him in the eye. "I am happy."