The archive of the forgotten

Out of luck and love

I look at you. My hopeless mouth curls into a smile at the sight of your grace. I inhale the smoke of my cigarette as I look how he slowly puts all the familiar furniture in the moving van. I can't believe he is moving away. The rumours say he'll be moving to Rome, I take a deep breath, he has never moved without me. I don't understand how he can possibly think of permanently leaving Manarola, I could not miss the salty wind for more than  half a year.

I smile, so many memories with you. I really believed we were friends and I believe we will be again. I take a sip of my espresso. I feel a tear on my face as I try my best not to look at you, but I should've known better. Every morning I take the time to go to a cafe I go to this one, I shouldn't. It used to be so easy. His apartement is across the street. Which was the very reason we would get our coffee here. We also loved the view. It is still beautiful, still the same essence, even if I hate the fact you are there.

My heart flutters as you take off your jacket and wipe the sweat from your forehead. I wish I could have been the one for you. I still hate that I am not. I am tired the feeling of not being yours. But I'll accept it, it is something normal. The only thing I hate is how it happened.

We were in Levanto, just finished surfing. My head was resting on his shoulder as we were watching the sun disappear into the sea. I closed my eyes when I heard a sigh. "What is it Angelo?" I asked. "Andrea, I wish you were....." his voice breaks and he stops talking. I open my eyes and bite on my lip. "You wish I was a girl?" He smiles, embarrased by it, "I know" I say, trying not to show my disappointment. We've been together since we were sixteen and we know eachother all our life. I thought he had found a way of dealing with his self-hatred and internalised homophobia. "I don't think I can do it Andrea....." He says while looking at the sun. I smile bitterly. "I have always said that you never need to do anything you don't feel good about." I say while kissing the top of his hand. "We should move on Andrea." I smile and nod but my heart breaks.

Why now? Why did he need to break my heart after five years? We were so happy, I loved him so much, he loved me so much. But he needs something else, he needs somebody that is more than me. Somebody who he can confidently call his partner, a partner he can bring home without being scared what his parents will think. And that partner could never ever be your childhood best friend. The friend you have desperately loved ever since you discovered you could. The same man you promised the stars and the sun, the flowers and the mountains.

The ride back home was akward, the silence was deadly and my tears were even more silent.

And I remember that you once taught me why this is. You are the one that taught me how to live with loss. You taught me how some things must be temporary, otherwise we might become ungrateful. No if I remember correctly that was the reason you ridiculed. You told me that those temporary things teach you how to be forever, not to give up on something, because you once did give up. He told me some people are meant to lift us up, only to fall down themselves, and sometimes it is better if we let them. It doesn't matter how many shots you've seen that person take in the middle of the night, or how many books you read to them because their dyslexia prevented them from reading their dreams, it doesn't matter that we stood on roofs asking ourselves whether we might jump together, it doesn't matter how many deep conversations we've had in the morning while we woke up slowly, it doesn't matter that you have shared a heart, that you know my secrets and I know yours, that I would recognise you by touch alone, that I could love you by faith only. There is always a time to let go you said. A time to choose the path that will lift you up.

I still think it is not fair, because it isn't I do not want to let go of the heart that has felt like home, I do not want to leave you, I do not want to be one left with a hole in my heart. But I was, I have been. Yesterday my best friend, flavio asked me if I was moving on. I answered with a firm yes, but I knew it wasn't true, my guts were still being pressed inside of my stomach. My grief is still obstructing my own common sense, my silent battle is not over yet. And I wonder whether it will ever be.

I take my last sip and I want to walk away when somebody calls my name. I look up. It's angelo, he beckons me and I oblige because I do not know what else to do. "Hi." I say as I admire his short dark hair and tanned skin. "Hi" He says with a smile. "I wondered why you haven't messaged the last two months." I shrug. "I thought you would need space." He chuckles. "Why would I Andrea! you are my best mate!" Mate....the word stings, we were more Angelo, you know that. "So I heard you are moving to Rome." He nods. "I wanted to make sure you'd text me back. I am quite nervous to move to Rome, but adventure must be fun right?" I nod, "How did you get the Idea?" I ask. "Ah this is the reason," He said as he puts his arm around the girl in front of me. I stare at her, the auburn curly hair, the tanned skin with freckles, the shade of forest green eyes. "This is Allegra" He says. I nod as I look at my own lookalike, this is me, she is me but in a girl version. I wasn't good enough. He wants more than me.

I have been his heart, I have been kind, I have been pretty, I have been thoughtful and caring. Why does he need more than me?

Allegra walks away. "Bye angelo" I say as I shake his hand, the touch did not lose it's electricity. But he wants more than me. "I will miss you Andrea." He says while putting his hand on my cheek. "I miss the kid in you already, I can't imagine missing even more." "Does she make you happy?" I ask. He hesitates and only smiles. He wants more than me, if I want him I am out of luck. I am out of love.